Thread: Trust

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    #11
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Sorry, I had to fix a few typos in my review. I'm glad you liked it and found it helpful, that's what I was aiming for.

    It's level headed writers like you that really renew my faith in reviewing on DVXUser.com.

    Peace out.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #12
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    Hey - just finished your script - enjoyed all the action. I did wonder how Iliana started off with the flashdrive in the first place - wanted to know more of the story. I liked the last line. Think I was thinking the same thing.


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    #13
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Polfilm, I just read your script.

    It was funny to see the title and your name twice. When you're battling to keep a script within 10 pages for a competition, it seems unecessary.

    Your clumping your action together. It should be a new line for each new camera shot. I know, limited space.

    The dialogue needs work. You should read it aloud to yourself. Just as it is finding a flow, it jars with badly constructed, and chosen, dialogue.

    I got a little lost near the end... Was Henry dead? Did we flash back? If we did, then you need to clearly identify this.

    Overall, not a bad idea. It was just difficult to get through. Somethings were written really well, but a lot of it wasn't and jarred, pulling me out of the story. More work, you'll improve this script vastly, just take in what is being said. We're all here to help one another.
    Well done for entering, I hope to see you in the next Fest putting the things you learnt to practice.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #14
    Senior Member polfilmblog's Avatar
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    "Your clumping your action together."

    See, it's like this. Your advice only carries as much weight as your writing.

    What's wrong with the above?

    Anyone?


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    #15
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Here you go - You're.

    Here you go - http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/clump?view=uk

    The problem with you, Pol, is you can't take good advice. So, your scripts will always be full of problems and you will never learn. Shame.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #16
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    You are here, so I guess maybe you have something to learn, but that doesn't appear to be the case. I guess you are one of those people who will mark down the scores of all your competition and claim victory.

    I only came back to this well, because I just can't pass up a good train wreck.
    Last edited by Chris_Keaton; 03-17-2010 at 06:17 PM.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #17
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Some format and grammar issues to work on. No biggie. My only gripe is that I'm a lazy bastard so I hate reading direction, but I get it, if your directing it gotta have it. Overall I enjoyed the car chase and your visuals were great. MacGuffin was clear as a bell. Nice work.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
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    #18
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    I was confused about the two endings. I see what you were trying to do now, but it didn't make sense to me at the time and it kinda took me out of the story. Also, how did the teenage girl end up with him? Interesting read, but some explanation would make it better.
    Make me.


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    #19
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    nice script.

    i do agree that some background knowledge would tie up some loose ends. it felt like the end of a longer story. still... good job.
    Script Fest IV: Go West
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    Valor

    Script Fest II: Entitled




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    #20
    Senior Member MrSeth's Avatar
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    great work! wanted to know more.. you describe action really well!


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