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    #11
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Reads easily, nice descriptions.

    Good banter between the two officers, you get a good picture of their relationship or at least what you think their relationship is.
    A lot of good little details, like the food.

    One format nitpick

    INT. CAR INTERIOR -- DAY

    This is redundant, I think just INT. CAR -- DAY would be sufficient.

    The ending surprised me, I figured something was going to happen, but not what happened, so that was set up nicely.

    The only speed bump I have about the ending. How do they end up at the scene? I assumed that the call that Davis receives sends them there, but after thinking about it, who is the call from, if its from dispatch, then you'ld think they would send more cops then those two to take down four armed men with bricks of cocaine. Or maybe I'm missing something, wouldn't be the first time.

    Well written, entertaing script.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

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    #12
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    I think this is well written, but the ending fell flat for me. Mainly, because it was straight out of the blue. There was no hint or forewarning. It's easy to spring a surprise when you hold all the cards, but theirs no 'ah-ha!' moment without foreshadowing.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    #13
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    Co - yeah, that format, missed that there and the fact they're suppose to be
    driving 'down a road' - sigh. The call would be from 'inside source' and Davis is
    such a Maverick, he acts first, thinks later. Glad you liked it!

    ZaZa - I hate typos, but they happen. I added the affair to show you his
    character instead of telling you. We know he's a cheater, but showing is
    better, I think in some ways, so you can see it for yourself. Glad you liked it.

    Chris - the foreshadowing is there, when Davis asks Ortega why she doesn't bring
    her family or 'husband' around to anything. It's subtle, but there. Thanks
    for the read.
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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    #14
    Senior Member ZazaCast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post

    ZaZa - I added the affair to show you his
    character instead of telling you. We know he's a cheater, but showing is
    better, I think in some ways, so you can see it for yourself. Glad you liked it.
    ...but do you need to tells us about it in the prior conversation with Ortega too? You could have cut to the affair scene during the conversation... like a thought he's having?


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    #15
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    ZaZa - if the story can be told without it, then you're right, it's not needful, I
    did however like the 'shhhsh' transition and the fact he asked his lover if she
    could cook lasagna - ha ha, but hey, that's just me.
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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    #16
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    I liked the banter between Davis and Ortega. That was the best part. You spent most of your time building up their relationship and then WHAM! I still don't know why she killed him? It sorta came out of no where. Maybe if you had more than 6 pages you could have shown why those people would have wanted Davis dead at least.

    A nitpicky thought...on the first page you intro MALE SUSPECT the over his first dialog you have SUSPECT then his next bit is SUSPECT RAY RAY. When I say Ray Ray I thought there was another guy and had to re-read.


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    #17
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    mml - ooo, that's just a typo from an original draft on the Ray-Ray. The "Ghost" is Ortega's husband.
    That's why he's always a step ahead. That's why she saw "nothing" that night when Davis skipped
    the stake-out to be with his lover. That's why she "bam" at the end.

    It's subtle, but it's there. Glad you liked the banter.
    Last edited by Charli; 01-11-2010 at 06:20 PM.
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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    #18
    Senior Member ZazaCast's Avatar
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    Banter=good! ...and hey, you know me, if there's a way to get some nudity in there, I'm all for it!

    If it's any consolation... I got everything others haven't, like why Ortega's husband was never around or the ghost thing... it was all clear to me.


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    #19
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    ZaZa - lol, yes, partial nudity and lots of lace! Glad you got it!
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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    #20
    Senior Member ZazaCast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    ZaZa - lol, yes, partial nudity and lots of lace! Glad you got it!
    You say partial....I say full-frontal. That's what makes the world go round!


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