Thread: Waste Not

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    #21
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarkElastic View Post
    Hi Ant, I just read your script.

    Great start, loved the lonely dialogue as you could really feel the slip of his mentality. Loved the fact he killed the two for plotting to kill him.

    I could see why you tried to do the bullet twist, but shame you never got it right. Also, the end twist, again I can understand why, but it was not needed. Just him suffering lonely, after his deed would have been a great way to end, and in less pages. The bodies of his vistims to keep him alive... quite ironic.

    Great try, glad you got involved and I look forward to seeing your improvement in the next Fest, as you have a good style about you.

    Thanks for the read and your opinions.
    Last edited by Anthony Todaro; 01-14-2010 at 06:09 PM.
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    #22
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    I really liked the mood you set...the isloation...I actually caught a chill. I liked it up until the alien part. LOL. That was so crazy to me because you totally didn't need it. It was so weird and all they did was tell us what you already did a great job showing us...so why?

    I'm going to pretend the alien part wasn't there. So GREAT JOB!


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    #23
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MML View Post
    I really liked the mood you set...the isloation...I actually caught a chill. I liked it up until the alien part. LOL. That was so crazy to me because you totally didn't need it. It was so weird and all they did was tell us what you already did a great job showing us...so why?

    I'm going to pretend the alien part wasn't there. So GREAT JOB!
    Out of all the people who hated the twist, I liked your hatred the best! =)
    Thanks a million for reading and being honest!
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    #24
    Member Mailliw87's Avatar
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    love the way you tell this story, through blake speaking to himself.
    It definitely has the feel of isolation and cold.

    I agree what the others have said about the ending.

    I like it, it's my kind of script, love the mood and atmosphere you've created.

    Oh, and nice to meet'cha too :P
    Last edited by Mailliw87; 01-16-2010 at 09:19 AM.
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    #25
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mailliw87 View Post
    love the way you tell this story, through blake speaking to himself.
    It definitely has the feel of isolation and cold.

    I agree what the others have said about the ending.

    I like it, it's my kind of script, love the mood and atmosphere you've created.

    Oh, and nice to meet'cha too :P
    Thanks! I think, I'm softening up to the idea of nixing my twist. Sometimes, stories don't need a twist, they just need to be told. It was an afterthought, and it shows. That's never good. lol. Much appreciated. =)
    Last edited by Anthony Todaro; 01-16-2010 at 10:35 AM.
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    #26
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    I don't know Anthony...the twist is growing on me now and I'm thinking about adding it to the end of my SP...

    The two birds are on the branch together, the guy is on the sidewalk with suitcase in hand, then the aliens show up and talk about what happened.

    Seriously, the really funny part about your twist is it wasn't really a twist. I thought the twist was the betrayal part. And I really liked the story, thought it had come full circle and was over then...the aliens.

    My advice...have confidence in your writing. Your story was very strong. You totally didn't need anything extra to make it stand out or give it more of an impact.


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    #27
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MML View Post
    I don't know Anthony...the twist is growing on me now and I'm thinking about adding it to the end of my SP...

    The two birds are on the branch together, the guy is on the sidewalk with suitcase in hand, then the aliens show up and talk about what happened.

    Seriously, the really funny part about your twist is it wasn't really a twist. I thought the twist was the betrayal part. And I really liked the story, thought it had come full circle and was over then...the aliens.

    My advice...have confidence in your writing. Your story was very strong. You totally didn't need anything extra to make it stand out or give it more of an impact.
    You're a peach! I have some good ideas on how to polish this baby.
    May I interest you in the re-write, when it's fin? Obviously, open to reading any re-writes you may have as well. No pressure, just thanks for being honest.

    I just re-read it and realized how "on the nose" the alien dialogue is... I feel a vomit coming on...
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    #28
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    I'm totally up for a rewrite. Anytime.


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    #29
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MML View Post
    I'm totally up for a rewrite. Anytime.
    SHWEEEEEET!
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    #30
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Hey!! I didn't mind the twist really - dont think it added much thogh - my issue was with all the telling and not showing...pretty cool story and love the tone/setting but I think you could be more visual in your telling of the story - I'm thinking flashbacks to what happened, to the affair, to his girlfriend dissasembling the bullet etc - mess with the chronology, show more and cut most of Blake's talking to himself and this could be really great - then I dont think it would need the aliens twist - instead the twist could be the reveal that he's eating his girlfriend - build up to that instead. Of course, just my opinion! You've got the makings of a really good short here just dont be afraid to rethink how you tell it!


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