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    #11
    Member Mailliw87's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by conlanforever View Post
    Dark and very visual. You said a lot in a very concise manner.
    Interesting piece, I went back and read it a second time.

    Not a big fan of clowns, but I got past it in this story. lol (haha :P)

    Well done.
    Glad it made you go back and read it a second time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    Definitely on the dark side and I am not a fan of uh, clowns, but I did read the
    story. I really love your poster by the way.
    Found the poster on deviant art. Just loved the mood of it and the look.
    I'm also on Moviepoet under name William Flink,
    Why must I insist on writing my name backwards?

    Scripts on MP:
    Pirouette
    Lighter
    Farewell, André


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    #12
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Hey William! Well I really liked this - brave, visual and enticing - you do so much in so few pages - the symbolism adds depth and there is just enough ambiguity to keep the old brain ticking over, but you don't drift too far into the obscure - there is certainly a solid story here. An imaginative and visual piece that I would love to see realised. Well done!


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    #13
    Senior Member RodThompson's Avatar
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    This script was effing horrible...

    ...if horrible is defined by ULTIMATE BADASSERY! I seriously dug the darkness of it all, though I was a little thrown at the jump between the climax and dead bodies on a couch. I was wondering if I missed something, but it was written so well, I didn't care.

    If I had the funds, I would shoot this in a heartbeat.


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    #14
    Member Mailliw87's Avatar
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    Thank you Rod & Sarah! It means a lot to me that you guys liked it. Especially since this is the first script I've completed since february last year.

    And Rod, you had me going there for a while with your first sentence haha
    Last edited by Mailliw87; 01-13-2010 at 12:06 AM.
    I'm also on Moviepoet under name William Flink,
    Why must I insist on writing my name backwards?

    Scripts on MP:
    Pirouette
    Lighter
    Farewell, André


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    #15
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Excellent work, an enticing and disturbing visual piece. Thanks for the read.


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    #16
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    I really liked the abstract nature of this and I liked how you chose to tell the story through the use of visuals instead of dialogue. It really enhances the script. You could probably even do without the one line that you do have.

    I was, at first, confused by the sudden jumps in time. I think a scene heading to separate these shifts would help to transition better, however when it's filmed this wouldn't be an issue. Good job on the script!


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    #17
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    This is another classic William Flink, script!

    I love the thematic representation of the emotions and the plot is actually much more concise with this story though the nature of it seems abstract.

    However you do have the tendency to again be a bit contradictory towards the visuals on display as compared to what you want to get across.

    Could be a laguage issue, but it could also be you're thinking of a few too many shots visually rather than seeing what they do in the story or as a mere technicality.

    What do I mean?

    For example,

    INT. PITCH BLACK ROOM
    Rain CLATTERS on its roof and windowsills.
    A mirror hangs, softly lit. All else is dark.
    If all else is dark, then the windowsills wouldn't be able to distinguish the time of day, and we couldn't probably see 'em too, correct? But if we bring the windowsill visibility into the equation then there is some light on the said windowsill.

    INT. KEYHOLE
    Again, this signifies a giant keyhole lock tumbler shaped set. You could use this in the actual description and relegate the slug to the Living Room.

    He watches the clown suit rotate on one of the fan’s
    paddles, and hears the sound of the fan as she MOANS.
    The sound of the rotating fan and her moans continue as he
    looks down to see the couple lie brutally murdered in a
    pool of blood on the sofa.
    This was brilliant. Would make a great transition type of shot.

    There are some clunky bits that don't read well, but a quick polish will do wonders. Visually, you're aces don't need that single line of dialog.

    Oh, and the naked male has to be in all caps, the first time you mention him.

    This is a simple story of an affair but very operatic along the lines of "Pagliacci"

    Great use of the theme and tasteful nudity.

    Well done!
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    #18
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    William, Anthony here.
    Also a DVX virgin, nice to meet-cha'.

    This was beautifully written, subtle, dreamy and I had no problems following exactly what was going on.
    Very poetically thought-out. The reflection in the mirror was great and her subtle laugh, cut like a knife.

    A powerful and touching betrayal.
    Excellent work.
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    #19
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    I've read your work at Movie Poet so I knew I was in for a visual treat. And having read your work at Movie Poet I will say that your writing style has really improved! Your story was very clear and emotional. I loved it. Sad, beautiful and tragic. You really have a unique style, visual poetry.

    Very nice work.


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    #20
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    hey william,
    this was really cool. dark, freakish, and very visually stimulating. did a double take at the page number when i was finished reading...it felt like a much longer story, so props for that. awesome read!


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