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    #21
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    I liked this a lot. Really well-handled and the end was totally gut-wrenching so good job! The only thing I would say is there is a lot of exposition in the dialogue at the start and this feels a little unnatural -I would say you dont need a lot if it - cut as much as you can and be subtler where you can and this will feel a lot more real. You pack a lot of punch in so few pages though - nice work!


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    #22
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Alabama
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    161
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    Very well done. I really like the way you structured this story. I was expecting the script to go in a different direction, so I didn't see the end coming. Good job.


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    #23
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Mars
    Posts
    432
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    Congrats! nice work!
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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