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    #11
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    The ending was quite clear, so good job on that.

    I did not like the opening. I know you were trying to set up the tone but we're in the hallway
    and then you state "down the hallway" uh, we're "in" the hallway. I'd rather you
    just show us the action and get to the story quicker.

    The dialogue felt more like exposition than an actual revealment of each character.
    I also agree on the age, think 90s or late 80s.
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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    #12
    Pain In The Ass 2.0 Ben Sliker's Avatar
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    thanks everybody for the feedback, i promise i'll get to reading everyone's script here soon!


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    #13
    Pain In The Ass 2.0 Ben Sliker's Avatar
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    some answers!

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael Anthony Horrigan View Post
    POSSIBLE SPOILERS
    The only thing I could not understand was how he wouldn't know what school she went to?
    I figure that these two people were distant enough that this kind of detail isn't something they would talk about. Plus it's about 30-40 years removed. Hell, I can barely remember all the schools I've gone to, I'm only 25! Perhaps if I set up that these two people barely talked, ever, especially since she left very early in his life.

    Quote Originally Posted by krestofre View Post
    Very nice script. I think we see the ending coming, but it's not a story that is only supported by a twist ending, so I wouldn't consider such a realization a problem. Character development was strong. This would be an excellent actors' piece.
    Thanks! I definitely set it up as an actor's piece, I'm glad that showed through.

    Quote Originally Posted by ZazaCast View Post
    Since my Dad is 79 now and still active and sharp as a tack, I'd have liked to see the father much older (90+).
    Didn't you know 70 is the new 50 these days?
    haha. I never imagined the father old enough to be senile. Just old enough to be in a nursing home. Plus I didn't want to deal with giving him some disease, etc. 70 may be the new 50, but death doesn't have an age.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    I loved this twisted tale of betrayal. I guess it is possible to come up with a serious betrayal in 6 minutes. Good Job!
    yay me!

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Pierce View Post
    I drove past a big billboard on the way home tonite that said something about movies only showing the smoking, not the addiction. I'm guessing this one will make the anti-smoking types happy.
    lol on the billboard.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    The ending was quite clear, so good job on that.

    I did not like the opening. I know you were trying to set up the tone but we're in the hallway
    and then you state "down the hallway" uh, we're "in" the hallway. I'd rather you
    just show us the action and get to the story quicker.

    The dialogue felt more like exposition than an actual revealment of each character.
    I also agree on the age, think 90s or late 80s.
    boy, i just can't win with you charli, can I? lol. would 'at the end of the hall' work better?


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    #14
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Very well done. Written really well.

    You got me to care about the characters and give me some insight into them in just a few pages. Nice idea for a betrayal.

    Really enjoyed this script.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

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    #15
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Now that is how it's done. The theme is all over this. Well written and crafted. Compelling and touching. I didn't expect it.
    Great work. I'm so glad he didn't do it. =)
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
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    #16
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    A really carefully crafted story. Strong character development and you generated enough information to understand their personalities. great work, I liked it.


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    #17
    Pain In The Ass 2.0 Ben Sliker's Avatar
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    thanks for the feedback everyone! you guys rock!


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    #18
    Member Mailliw87's Avatar
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    Hi,

    It's definitely an actors script. Very well written, believable and interesting characters, dialog flowed and felt natural. I liked the last detail "The pipe falls out from Gerald’s hand and on to the porch."

    Don't really have any negative critique. Nice work
    I'm also on Moviepoet under name William Flink,
    Why must I insist on writing my name backwards?

    Scripts on MP:
    Pirouette
    Lighter
    Farewell, André


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    #19
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Ben, just read your script.

    Really well constructed script with good characters and an obvious betrayal.

    I agree above that I wanted more. Why did she do it? What was in the tobacco? But, even without this detail it was still an easy and compelling read. Well done.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #20
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    Whoa. That was harsh. I liked it. GREAT betrayal. The dialog is a bit stiff but the idea is really good. Very nice job.


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