Thread: Time To Fly

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    #21
    Member Mailliw87's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Pierce View Post
    "But you do this at least once a month so the impact has sorta worn off." Classic. I was going to quote this as well!
    Quote Originally Posted by DarkElastic View Post
    I think it depends on which side you look at it from. Her side is definately revenge, but on his side, he would feel betrayed. That's how I read it anyway. -- I agree completely
    Well first off, great title!
    Love the dialogue and the chemistry between Connor and Ashley you've created.
    Well written as well.

    The ending, well, it felt a bit harsh of connor to just pick up and leave - but Ashley was perhaps a bit of a brat as someone suggested...That is of course the interpretation I went for.

    I liked it, it easily held my interest throughout the whole read.
    I'm also on Moviepoet under name William Flink,
    Why must I insist on writing my name backwards?

    Scripts on MP:
    Pirouette
    Lighter
    Farewell, André


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    #22
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anthony Todaro View Post
    Way to snapshot my reality!!!
    My hubby and I just cracked up over that Anthony.

    Thanks so much for all the feedback! I'm having a blast reading everyone's work. A lot of talent here that's for sure!


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    #23
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    A door slams from inside the bathroom. The birds chirp.
    I like the recurring door slams and ensuing reactions by various things (the windows, the birds) but the latter left me wondering what kind of door would be slamming inside a bathroom?

    "Ashley Morgan" is the kind of name you would expect a prissy, high-maintenance girl to have. I don't think enough time is spent on naming in most of the scripts I've seen in these contests. IMO the name should be indicative of the character it belongs to, yours does. Good job.
    CONNOR
    Well yeah Ash, I’m concerned. But
    you do this at least once a month
    so the impact has sorta worn off.
    lol

    Connor rolls his eyes and watches her every move.
    These are conflicting details.

    INT. APARTMENT – LATER SAME DAY
    I don't how this could be visualized without superimposing the words "Later that same day" in which case the formatting would look like this:

    INT. APARTMENT - DAY

    SUPER: Later that same day...


    CONNOR
    I took her to the vet! When you
    slammed the door the seed log fell
    on her head. It knocked her out!
    This strains believability for me.

    I like how you integrated the bird metaphor throughout the entire story, I think that kind of theme-integration is a skill few possess. As far as the particular metaphor, it's one of the more used ones and consequently did not feel as fresh as perhaps it could have with another lesser known through-line metaphor. I'm also a little disturbed at the prospect of pets being released into the wild, it's my understanding very few are able to make the transition. To me, that was the biggest betrayal of the story.


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    #24
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    Thanks for the honest reviews everyone.


    Quote Originally Posted by arroway View Post
    what kind of door would be slamming inside a bathroom?
    I had thought about mentioning it was a cabinet door but knew someone would ask, how do we know it was a cabinet door if we're no in there?


    Quote Originally Posted by arroway View Post
    I don't how this could be visualized without superimposing the words "Later that same day" in which case the formatting would look like this:

    INT. APARTMENT - DAY

    SUPER: Later that same day...
    The time of day in the slug lines is something I've decided to take liberty on. A few years ago one of my screenwriting gurus told me that it's perfectly acceptable to do that because the director will show its the same day. The character will be in the same clothes and the light can even be adjusted to show it's later.

    Quote Originally Posted by arroway View Post
    I'm also a little disturbed at the prospect of pets being released into the wild, it's my understanding very few are able to make the transition.
    I didn't really think of that actually. But now that I am, I guess it was because I knew the birds were going to be together that it didn't bother me to set them free. I wouldn't have even considered it if I was only letting one out on its own.


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    #25
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    I liked it very much and also didn't see the end coming like it did, so thanks for that.

    I might have glossed over some of the action, but I thought Kiki was still out of her cage. I kept wondering when the girl was muttering about leaving that she still had the bird on her hand. I was waiting for Connor to get upset that she was going to deliberately pitch the bird in the beginning or that she had it on her shoulder when she stormed out.

    As I said, I probably missed something, and was prematurely anxious about the bird's well-being.


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