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    #11
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Really good writing as always. The story was engaging. Created really good visuals. Realisitc dialogue.

    I agree that it seemed to drag slightly with the many trips back and forth. On the other hand I was always interested to see what was going to happen next.

    Its not just you MML, I wasn't 100% sure what the ending was about. Maybe I just need to go back and it give it another read.

    Regardless, it was fun, imaginative and a good read.
    Last edited by Russell Moore; 01-11-2010 at 05:00 PM.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

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    #12
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Ahh, yes, thanks guys. As soon as the upload finished I thought of a couple things I wanted to rewrite. I've changed this ending a couple times where it's a creature that uses the device to find a way into our dimension, but I went back to the original ending where the uncle uses the disk to return from the dead. Hence the mousetrap. I'm working on a rewrite as we speak that hopefully will make it clearer.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    #13
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Just finished a rewrite that actually made it shorter and eliminated two locations. If you are interested in reading it let me know.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #14
    Senior Member ZazaCast's Avatar
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    I like it! (and I'd like to read the new version too) Great job Chris. Love the story, how can you go wrong with dimensional travel...damn, I want one of those things.

    You managed to pull me in right from the very start, I can see the characters & locations in detail. It always amazes me, the amount of talent in this place. So far, this fest has produced some of the best scripts yet.

    Congrats & keep up the good work!




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    #15
    Senior Member REHov520's Avatar
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    this was a good one that kept me interested throughout, although i thought the payoff left something to be desired and i was left with more than a few questions at the end. where was he going? how did it resurrect sticks? and did sticks always intend for his nephew to disobey him so that he could be resurrected? i would have liked a bit more information at the end regarding what the thing actually was. a bit more on the relationship between the two would also have been helpful i think.

    still, this was unique and kept me reading. good job.


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    #16
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    Hi Chris,

    I liked the character Bill. And the line the line " (censored), dude, im in mourning"
    gave me a chuckle, maybe it wasn't supposed too, but it did. my favorite line in the script.


    There's something that just didn't click for me. It could just be that my concentration wanders, it does that..I think it's got to do with the disc, in a visual way it didn't get my interest. Sorry that I can't be more precise, hm.

    I was interested in Bill though, so that pulled me back into the script.

    I'll read it again later on and get back to it to see if a second read-through might change things.

    And the ending came as a surprise to me as well.

    It was written well though, as always, good paragraphs and formatting, flowed well.
    I'm also on Moviepoet under name William Flink,
    Why must I insist on writing my name backwards?

    Scripts on MP:
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    Farewell, André


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    #17
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    This script's really good. I like the visuals that you create, but I would have liked to see where he was going. Of course, that would probably give the script a budget that would make it almost impossible to make. Your characters are believable and the dialogue sounds natural. I think you could have added something in the flashback to add to the betrayal aspect of Uncle Sticks, but it does work the way you have it. This is a really solid script. Good job!


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    #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    Just finished a rewrite that actually made it shorter and eliminated two locations. If you are interested in reading it let me know.
    Send me a link to the script.
    Or email it to me... director at morecowbellpictures dot com

    Thanks,

    Mike


    MONSTERFEST : 4th Place - Sustained Excellence Award - WESTFEST: 3rd Place - THRILLFEST: 3rd Place


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    #19
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    I would like to see you actually use people instead of props to carry a story, this did remind me a lot
    of 'Devil's Toy' and I don't think you can show true revealment of character without the banter between two people.

    There's a lot of misuse of sluglines. If you are in 'front' of the house and then go into the 'bedroom'
    unless it's a very small house, you'll have to walk through the living room, down a hallway and then into the bedroom.

    You also had action in the front of the house and then added the slugline "INT. FRONT.' which really all
    you needed to do was show 'LATER.'

    My biggest issue is the use of props to tell your story. Good attempt otherwise.
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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    #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    I don't think you can show true revealment of character without the banter between two people.
    I have to disagree with this. Plenty of films I like, show, in my opinion, true revealment of character without the banter between two people. I don't think it has to be done through dialogue. Depends on the type of film/script perhaps.
    I'm also on Moviepoet under name William Flink,
    Why must I insist on writing my name backwards?

    Scripts on MP:
    Pirouette
    Lighter
    Farewell, André


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