Thread: Pirata

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    #11
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Well done. There is a nice fluidity to your writing. Easy to read, and the visuals were well planned.
    Also, way to think outside the norm. Unique, yet familiar.

    Very meaty and colorful characters. I can sense the amount of thought you put into this.
    Laughing Jack was what kept my interest. That little quiet time-bomb, just ticking away.
    Nice job on reminding us of him during the argument.

    IMO, you can just explain through action, a bit more sporatic then directly explaining the results of the stand-off.

    Keaton's right, kill the page continues, it's the way of the old guard.

    I understood the ending as being a second betrayal, directed towards the reader. So points for that.
    Visually, it would be obvious, a man in a boat on a "set-painted" ocean, but this is a script contest, not a filmmaking contest, so I feel you're totally justified.

    I loved being betrayed by your ending, it was an inventive move.

    Excellent work.
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    #12
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    I had fun reading this. Read the whole thing in my expert piratey accent (in my head). It was very silly and I enjoyed it up until the reveal at the end. I didn't mind it except your opening slug is THE SEA. So how is that possible? You should have just said they were in a small boat. You "betrayed" the reader! LOL. Just being dramatic. But seriously, you can't say they're in the sea and then change it to the playhouse, but you can say they're in a boat and we will imagine them at sea without you actually telling us. Did that make sense?

    Anyway, this was a fun read.


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    #13
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Don't see what purpose the end serves to the rest of the story, just feel it's misplaced.

    Kind of clunky action blocks especially the "this is what happened" sort of explanation. Use the actions don't just outright explain it. Describe visuals that give the reader enough detail.

    Good work though.


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    #14
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    This is a good story, but from the moment they mentioned treasure I knew what the betrayal would be. I was expecting Jack to get away with the treasure from the get go because of the emphasis you put on him.

    I personally liked the "Here's what happened" paragraph. I think you could really play upon this by using a narrator to give voice over saying "Here's what happened" and then show quick scenes as a narrator describes what we're seeing. Although, if you choose to use a narrator it would need to be introduced early on.

    This was a pretty enjoyable read. The pirate dialogue took me out of the story at times, but it was needed to tell this story.


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