Thread: Pirata

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    Pirata
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    Senior Member nouou's Avatar
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    Three pirates seek a hidden treasure on a distant island.


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    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Well you can never trust a pirate...good to see you in the fest nouou
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

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    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    All I can say to this is "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggg! Now walk the plank!"
    Sounds great.
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    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    First of all let me applaud you for choosing a pirate story. At first I was like "Pirate story? For Betrayalfest?" But really it makes perfect sense. It also sticks out from the rest of the entrants genre-wise.

    ***Spoilers***

    I really didn't get the ending. The performing arts theater thing. I don't see that adding anything to the story. In fact it kind of takes me out of the script because suddenly the setting that I was enjoying so much just vanished from before my eyes. I'm curious why you took it that direction.

    From a writing stand point, I'd suggest not having the "explanation paragraph" at the end. To the reader the script will be stronger and more compelling if you rewrite the climactic action so that it's clear and happening in front of the reader instead of having a bunch of guns fire and then a moment where you as the writer tell me as the reader what you mean.

    Finally, and this is a small critique, with a pirate story I'd avoid the name "Jack" like the plague. Granted your Jack is a very different character than Johnny Depp's Jack, but still, from the first paragraph of your script I was fighting to get an already established character out of my mind.

    Thanks for entering!
    Chris Johnson


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    More Cowbell Pictures Michael Anthony Horrigan's Avatar
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    SPOILERS!



    Yes, reading about 'Jack the pirate' and the comment about the rum seemed a tad familiar.

    Interesting way to end the story as well.
    I have to admit, I got a little lost in the middle as there was a lot going on at once. Explaining things as they happen might have served the script a bit more. The explanation paragraph was an interesting choice though.

    I'm also curious as to why you went with that ending?

    Cheers,

    MAH


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    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    I also agree with using "Jack" as a name for the pirate. When you use this type of language, it makes it
    very, very hard to read, like reading street talk today. I'm wondering if you had placed the story
    in modern time language if it would have come off a bit smoother. Good try in doing something different.
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    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    I dunno, maybe it's because I haven't seen any of the "Caribbean" movies since the first one, in the theater, but Johnny Depp never crossed my mind while reading this. Thank God.

    There's a lot of things here that didn't make a lot of sense. The fact that they're in a rowboat, for one, the captain passing out in the middle of a gunfight (I would think that the adrenalin from the gunfight would serve to at least temporarily counteract the effects of the alcohol), and (as has already been mentioned) the ending. Also, some of your descriptions don't quite match up; for example, you start with Jack rowing the boat and the other three standing, but then Jack is leaning down to whisper into the captain's ear.

    But it was certainly fun to see some pirates.
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    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I like the pirate set up and also the characters themselves.

    A lot of critique I would have, has been said already. But most notably, the end threw me off, especially if its a play. Because of the setting, this could not be filmed and look believable as both.

    Sibling rivalry is always good formula for betrayal and there was some well written lively banter between the two.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Some of your action blocks has a little more flower than I normally like. I hate to read pirate stories, but don't mind watching them. The language made me laugh at times. The continued at the bottom of the page and top aren't needed. The ending really through me, not sure why it's even there? Otherwise a fine job.
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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Nouou, just read your script.

    I have watched all three Caribbean movies and didn't think of Depp once.

    Congrats on attempting a Pirate Story.

    You really did not need that ending. You really did not need the explanation of events. You couls have got around that with showing us the two dead with one bullet wounds and an extra bullet from him stuck in a tree, or something.
    I was thrown a bit by some of the dialogue. Most seemed very piratey, but then I was hit by some that didn't, for example - Wankers, Oi and Time Out. Also, there are some spelling errors.
    I was hoping little Laughing Jack would kill the Captain and leave with the chest.

    Good read though, well done.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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