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    #11
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Good visuals.

    Agreed, names for your dudes. You should name one of them, "Guy" just to spite us all =)

    Liked the idea of the narrative device. Not an easy thing to pull off, but it works, it would work better expanded, so you would have more room to breathe.

    This has a good feel, it would play well on-screen.
    Last edited by Anthony Todaro; 01-14-2010 at 11:11 PM.
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    #12
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Moonkid, just read your script.

    I agree with the Guy comments. I thought you struggled at the beginning of your script to get the helicopter description across. The rest was well written.
    Like most scripts in this Fest, I feel a little more time and a few more drafts will help this a lot.
    It seemed a little convenient having a guy be there because his brother was killed. It also make it a bit choppy. Just having a horror story of the area would have had the same impact, in my mind.
    I did see the ending coming, once she spoke after they had lowered their guns.

    I enjoyed the read, well done.


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    #13
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    I had a hard time keeping track of the chararacters because you pretty much named them all GUY. So after the first page it all seemed like one Guy to me, none of them had a unique voice or personality.

    I think if you give them each a name and flesh them out a bit that will help your story a lot. Also just a bit of a trim on the action lines will add more tension and suspense. This had some but I think that would make it have more of an impact.


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    #14
    Junior Member Quincy Minor's Avatar
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    Well written, I didn't see it coming with the woman being the traitor. I agree with other feedback that you should name your characters and give them a distinguishing characteristic. I felt there were too many flashback scenes that could have been merged into two or one.

    In the first scene Guy#1 ask the woman if she is alright and she responds by saying stop asking me that all the time when it was his first time asking.

    Either way, you have small and simple details to make adjustments to.


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    #15
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    I really liked the dialogue in this. It really flowed well and helped to separate the characters. However, I know almost everyone has mentioned this already, but giving the characters names would have helped us to relate to the characters more. You've got a good story here and I think it would be a pretty entertaining short film.


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    #16
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Good reveal towards the end, didn't see it coming but character names and some distinguishable features would help. There is no real way to tell them apart.

    Besides a few trims here and there you've got a good story.


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