The Cuckoo Pass Incident

[mookid]

When you enter The Cuckoo Pass, prepare to not return.
script is unproduced and available

[Russell Moore]

Sounds like you're packing a lot of story into 6 pages, looking forward to seeing how it turns out.

[mookid]

heh, I learned some valuable lessons from the last scriptfest in that regard. The description is really just the backstory and atmosphere that I try to build.

[Russell Moore]

The scriptfests are great for learning the craft. I've picked up valuable lessons from each scriptfest that I've entered.

Looking forward to seeing how the backstory and atmoshere work in with the story.

[Ezekiel667]

Sounds good man. It's threads like these that make me glad I'm back in the game.

[Charli]

Give your character names, instead of "Guy #1" and "Guy #2" - those descriptions are usually for minor
cameo roles but your characters were in the entire story. Give us a name and then give us a trait
so that we can identify with the characters. Good luck.

[Michael Anthony Horrigan]

SPOILERS!



Loved the last line. Nice way to finish. This seemed pretty polished and I enjoyed the read.
The dialogue seemed to work pretty well. The only thing that brought me out was the movie quote.

Nice job.

MAH

[Russell Moore]

Well done, good story.

It would be nice if the guys had names and something to distinguish them, but it didn't take me out of the story that is there.

The action was written well and I could see everything happening as you wrote it.

The dialogue sounds natural, but I thought it could be trimmed a little (definitely the movie quote). I felt that the flashbacks could also maybe trimmed and condensed a little to pick up the pace of the story. But these are minor things.

Regardless, I enjoyed the script and I liked that the woman turned out to be the "Cuckoo". Good work.

[Captain Pierce]

I mean all the radioactivity and the mutants won’t help...

Nice.

You have some grammatical errors (in the line above, I believe there should be a comma after "I mean") and some oddities of language:

One day I will find out who did it.

Odd that the guy who says this spends the next two full pages telling us who did it. I imagine that you meant something like "One day, I will find the man who did it."

I'm usually a fan of just dropping the reader into the middle of the script and not wasting time on explaining the universe that's been created, but I think sending your cast after "metal" may be just a little too vague. For that matter, I can't imagine any situation where customers wouldn't mind U-238 contamination.

I realize I sound pretty critical here, but I really did like the script.

[Chris_Keaton]

Give your character names, instead of "Guy #1" and "Guy #2" - those descriptions are usually for minor
cameo roles but your characters were in the entire story. Give us a name and then give us a trait
so that we can identify with the characters. Good luck.

I agree with Charli here. If these guys are going to have a speaking roll of more than one line give them a name. It helps us bond with them and makes the end even stronger.