Thread: The Shell Game

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    #11
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Polished writing. Always welcome the hustler, getting hustled story.

    I disagree with the others. A (7) year old from the city, is a different kid from a (7) year old in middle America. Some kids that age are wiser then some adults. I agree that his dialogue could have been a bit more "childish" but thats a minor.

    It's a subtle betrayal, which counts. The only thing for me was it felt like Mike didn't want to go back. Maybe if he seemed more interested in getting back together or apologetic, the subtle betrayal would be stronger.

    Those are nit-picks. I really liked the flow of your writing. Well done.
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    #12
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Dopey, just read your script.

    I agree with all that has been said with regards to Kevin and age. I feel a few more rewrites after a child actor has been cast would work wonders, as not all kids are the same and some have better grasps of the english language... Look at Dekota Fanning, she freaked me out as a kid because she said things that were beyond her years!!!

    The story is very well crafted, and hits us with a hammer blow at the end. I really liked it. Short but sweet, well done.


    Marshall Dean

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    #13
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
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    Man, I really felt bad for Kevin. The kid stuck in the middle. Nice job showing a broken family without really showing the broken family. Interesting and very clever.


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    #14
    Member Mailliw87's Avatar
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    catchy beginning, drew me in immediately.
    Great ending as well, didnt see that one coming.
    Nice to see another short script on here

    A very good script. Well written, didn't react to the dialog like the others did. Nice work!
    I'm also on Moviepoet under name William Flink,
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    #15
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Beautiful, simple little scene that works really really well. Nice depth, great use of analogy - an accomplished little short that fits the brief excellently and flowed really well while also evoking huge empathy in a very short time, but also not falling into the trap of too much exposition. You gave us just enough. Very impressive work!


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    #16
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Great work! A very effectively simple script. It draws your attention and the end just sort of sucker-punches you. You got a lot out of very little, good depth.


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    #17
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    I really liked the way you gave us glimpses into the family's relationship by quick lines of dialogue. It really helped you to develop your characters in such a short period of time. The read was quick and the story was engaging. Good job.


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    #18
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    This was in my top 3.

    Simple, elegantly told story that perfectly employs the "show don't tell" axiom.


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