Thread: The Shell Game

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    The Shell Game
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    Senior Member Tom Shortridge's Avatar
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    The Shell Game

    Logline: Father teaches son the art of the con.

    1 location (living room), 2 characters (30ish father, 6-10ish son). Minimal props.

    *** 1-11-10 update - has been picked up for production.



    * 12-6: Rough draft complete.
    Last edited by Tom Shortridge; 01-11-2010 at 04:51 AM.


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    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I'm always up for a good con story.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    This would certainly be a micro budget short. I thought it was good if a little abrupt. It wasn't necessarily short, but I got sucked into it and then poof it was done. So congrats on drawing me in. I'm trying to really visualize these shorts and when they are written well it's much easier to do, so good job.
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    More Cowbell Pictures Michael Anthony Horrigan's Avatar
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    Interesting story.
    The topic is pretty meaty.

    I guess I could see an older child pulling that off but not one that young. That's a nitpick though. Short but sweet.

    MAH


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    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    I have to agree with MAH (again) that Kevin does seem a little young, not only to pull off the trick but also for the clever wordplay and particularly that level of burn on his old man.

    But man, what an epic burn.

    Nice job on writing a short, very producible, script; and also on telling an interesting story with some extra depth to it at the same time.
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    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    I agree on the age of the child as well. This didn't feel like betrayal to me but more like trickery.
    I would have liked to have gotten invested in the child, somehow. Give us more of him to care about.

    I do think simple stories can bring out a solid product, but invest in the characters a little more.
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    Senior Member RodThompson's Avatar
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    KEVIN

    Dad

    Me

    You


    LOL...Kidding.

    I liked it. Unlike a lot of shorts, it's easily producable for pennies!

    I think the minor tips on the dialogue of the seven year old are kind of mis-aimed, though. Me and my 8 year old talk about some seriously deep s*%t sometimes, and he never ceases to amaze me with some of the things that he picks up or says. So when I read Kevin's dialogue, I didn't even think that it was above his age level. Not pulling a Kathy Lee / Cody moment...just saying.

    I seriously liked it. Total set up and burn.


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    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Good, easy read. Pulled me into the story in a short amount of time.

    You gave us good insight into the characters and their relationships with very little, well done.

    Didn't see the ending coming. Very good script.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

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    Senior Member Tom Shortridge's Avatar
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    Thanks, everyone, for your comments and critiques so far.

    I'm going to hold off on addressing specific points until after the rating period's over - I like to have the script speak for itself, at least at first.

    At that time, I'll also be posting my feedback on everyone else's scripts as well.


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    You found the lost pages of Kramer vs. Kramer!! lol

    Thought the exposition was brilliant. "You cheated....mom says you cheated..." GREAT!

    In my mind Kevin is both too young and too old at the same time (or should I say mature), so maybe pick one on the final draft. Going back to the line I mentioned, he is either a really sly kid and means what it sounds like, or he's a really cute kid that makes the dad feel like garbage accidentally. But then, at the end, he's obviously sly when he steals the pea. Hmmm...I like both, but you'd have to get a kick-a$$ actor to pull off the transition while keeping it real.

    In the end though I think it really works and might just need tweaking to make sure the performances won't be as apt to falter from the characters you create. LOVE how easy this would be to produce, with a lot of potential for great looking shots. One of my highest rated.


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