Thread: Zombies (?)

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    #11
    Member mookid's Avatar
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    This felt really fresh. It's very short but there are enough potent details that would be fun to play around with during the shooting of this script.

    These kind of zombie discussions are very common among armchair-commandos, I never understood why they are so obsessed about zombies and SHTF-scenarios. This scene elegantly embodies everything that their culture represents to an outsider.


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    #12
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Did anyone else think of "Clerks" when you read this script?

    Great dialogue!

    Jason shifts his gun and ammunition to pantomime the marks around "Klingon warbirds" with both hands.
    This just seems to offset the pacing a bit. Does he do it as he says the line? (Which seems to be the case) You could've split up the dialog then.

    He mimes the quotation marks with a hand thatís still holding a shell.
    We get it! We get it! This is his exacerbating trait.

    I love the fact that this is a slice of time story rather than a dramatic plot and more importantly it's only 3 pages long.

    Any longer and I'd be bored and start looking for things to happen as far as action is concerned.

    Fun read and a very affordable short to make.

    Could the "walking dead" creature be a friend of theirs? That'd enhance their Zombie/Not Zombie diatribe, I think.

    All the best!
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    #13
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    Technical - try to keep your action paragraphs to the maximum of four lines.

    A better way to show that these are not true military guys is maybe by stating: Urban Civilians Dressed for Combat. Keep it's simpler and their gear should be capitalized.

    How do we know they're survivalist?

    Get rid of your asides (exposition in parentheses) and just tell me the story.

    When they just takes shelter behind the car they are in another location as the focus is behind the car and no longer on the street corner.

    What does an in human growl sound like?

    ZOMBIE should be capitalized and what does a zombie look like? Show don,'t tell.

    You have CLUNKS of dialogue between Steve and Jason which slows the pace down. Break the dialogue into sections so that we can see a better exchange between them.

    ... they start reloading... - just state that they reload.

    The last spoken dialogue should end in an exclamation point.

    Content: Therewas a tremendous amount of information that was told to me instead of shown to me. I would have liked to see a smoother and witter exchanged between Steve and Jason.

    It was a generic zombie short without any real surprises. A better twist would have been a man and women hunting instead of being the hunters - the zombie or nonzombies as it were.
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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