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    #21
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    Freaky. I'm pretty sure I mean that as a compliment...

    With regards to the "scrawny beer fueled body..." if my own is any indication, beer fueled bodies tend to be the opposite of scrawny. Other than that, I'm pretty sure I know those guys...
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    #22
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    if my own is any indication, beer fueled bodies tend to be the opposite of scrawny.
    I meant that as a compliment to all beer fueled bodies everywhere.

    Honestly, my inspiration were Val and Earl from "Tremors" only more dumb and much more wise-assy.
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    #23
    Senior Member Tim Joy's Avatar
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    It was gross and fun! I liked how you wrote a sound, then described where the sound came from. I'll have to use that in my own writing in the future.

    I thought the writing was very tight, almost too tight in spots. (Is that even possible?) It caused me to go back and re-read a couple lines to figure out what was happening. I don't have specifics right now, but maybe I'll look it over again.

    Nice visuals all around.

    My only question, and I don't intend to be mean, but what was the point? Why do these fish have body parts on them? I didn't see any indication in the script, other than the 'damn college kids'. This quibble doesn't have anything to do with the quality of the writing, which was very good.


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    #24
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Tim,

    I'd love to answer your question about the origin of the creatures. There are clues in the dialogue which includes the theory of fornicating hormonally charged teens.

    No offense taken, man! I know you don't intend to sound mean. The thing is, even a script with good writing hasn't served its purpose if the plot elements aren't clear enough.

    I'd to weigh my options and stuck with what makes a true creature/monster film in my book.

    I believe Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies are now a complete sub-genre on their own within the horror category.

    Sci-fi creatures, gigantic monsters, furry, rabid, diseased animals and psychotic guppies take up room in my monster menagerie.

    Therefore, I think monster = camp, the less explanation or the more ridiculous explanation given, the better.

    "Tremors" inspired this, sort of. No one explained in the first one where the "Graboids" came from. One day, they're just there. Sure, you have clues, with construction work on the roads having awakened them, earthquakes etc. But never given an origin.

    Or give a clue to their origin. "Jaws", "Critters", "King Kong", "Piranha" etc.

    Works either way.

    Vampires, zombies, werewolves... now there are too many experts on the subject, and you need to give a moderate amount of explanation if you experiment with these creatures and re-interpret their utilization in a script that might come across as original.

    Which is getting harder to do everyday.

    I'm old school campy, man. What can I say?
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    #25
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    Technical - state your location first after FADE IN. Where are we? We are in a pond of bluish liquid gooh, so that's your location, not the baby's face, that's your close-up.

    All cap BABY'S FACE since the emphasis is on the face not the body of the baby.

    "inhuman" - you've already showed me it's inhuman, no need to tell me.

    "... scrawny beer fueled body, skin magazine, mouth agape..." - trying too hard.

    They're in an ice fishing cabin but I don't 'feel' the location.

    "...fish flops lazily..." - wouldn't it be more 'frantically?"

    CLICK sounds unnecessary to show someone making a noise against plate when they eat. Almost cartoonish.

    Content:

    I liked Fergus throwing Howie under the bus - that was funny.

    The addition of the grizzly at the end took away from the fish lady. I would like her to have a name better than fish lady, something more creative.

    The two males are believable, good job there. I would have liked the story to be told in a simplier way and get a feel for the environment.

    Good job.
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    #26
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    Technical - state your location first after FADE IN. Where are we? We are in a pond of bluish liquid gooh, so that's your location, not the baby's face, that's your close-up.
    Ah yes! That would be,

    INT. UNDERWATER - FETAL SAC? NOPE. GOTCHA! FROZEN LAKE - DAY

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    All cap BABY'S FACE since the emphasis is on the face not the body of the baby.
    Good call!

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    "inhuman" - you've already showed me it's inhuman, no need to tell me.
    The baby's human enough, the eyes scare me. I just wanted to make sure no one thought the baby was hip enough to be sporting underwater contacts to cover the whites of its eyes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    "... scrawny beer fueled body, skin magazine, mouth agape..." - trying too hard.
    You bet! Should have stuck with stupid drunk and horny drunk. The Drunk bros.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    They're in an ice fishing cabin but I don't 'feel' the location.
    I knew it! Great catch. Next time I won't sit next to an open refrigerator while I type.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    "...fish flops lazily..." - wouldn't it be more 'frantically?"
    Once! I had to carry a cumbersome backpack and flopped over. That thing weighed me down even though I wanted to be frantic. I thought if I had an arm almost the size of my body I couldn't afford to be that frantic.

    I'm lazy, so why should that darn fish be athletic and frantically flop about.

    Damn! Workout trout!

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    CLICK sounds unnecessary to show someone making a noise against plate when they eat. Almost cartoonish.
    No! No! No! The remote! The remote! They have one of those tiny B/W TV sets which I'll write into the next draft.

    Content:

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    I liked Fergus throwing Howie under the bus - that was funny.
    Did you think the expression of the schoolkids inside the bus was overkill?

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    The addition of the grizzly at the end took away from the fish lady. I would like her to have a name better than fish lady, something more creative.
    Okay. I will give her a creative name like Evil Ariel but no way am I gonna change the name of Titfish. She's big in porn and has powerful legal friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    The two males are believable, good job there. I would have liked the story to be told in a simplier way and get a feel for the environment.

    Good job.
    I tried to utilasize a simplier technique. Now I look forward to the re-write!

    I apologize with tongue firmly in cheek, Charli.

    I do totally understand that not many people are going to get a particular writing style or plot elements.

    Thanks!
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