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    #11
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    I have no idea what gave birth to those things, but holy hell that crazy. A lot of awesome visuals. Like me, I guess you were shooting for a script that wouldn't be shot for the MonsterFest. Good job.
    Even though this is only my second DVXuser contest as a writer, you spoil me Chris. I might judge my progress compared to your review size.

    As for being produced, heck write it out! You never really know! Young 'uns in filmmaking are getting smarter day by day. At 29 I feel geriatric compared to tweens who conjure magic with cameras.
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

    2nd Place, ScriptFest IV: Western - The Patch-up Kid

    3rd Place, ScriptFest V: MonsterFest - Brr
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    #12
    Senior Member REHov520's Avatar
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    Some very cool visuals in this. I particularly loved the opening shot. Your writing style is sometimes too vague for me... for example I was confused at first as to whether to lady's hand was coming out of the water and grasping onto the fish, or actually a part of the fish itself. Also I didn't really buy the dialogue between the two fishermen after they've found all the mutant fish... it seems to me like they're being too humorous about the situation and aren't shocked / horrified enough. I liked the last shot though and the idea that the mutants in the lake are going to be an ongoing, cyclical type of thing.


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    #13
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    Excellent script! The pacing was nice and the ending really paid off.


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    #14
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Rustom, thanks for the read.

    I liked this, it was strange as hell, but very entertaining. I agree with above, some of the descriptions could do with some more work to make them better understood. But I didn't find a problem with the dialogue, I thought the blase way the fishermen took everything was very funny.

    Overall, a great, fun read. Well done.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #15
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Good visuals, kind of crazy, I liked it's very strange nature.


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    #16
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    His flannel coat adds bulk to his scrawny beer fueled body.
    Nice.

    FERGUS
    Could be those college kids rutting
    in the lake during trekkiní season?
    lol

    HOWIE
    Youíre alive ainít ya? If you had a
    camera youíd be alive and famous
    rich?
    I don't what word is missing from this but I think there is one...


    Howie and Fergus eat beans from a plate.
    Click.
    Howie pauses. Fergus continues to eat.
    Click. Click.
    nice

    Howie motions to Fergus. Sushes him. Points to the fishing
    reel.
    "Shushes"

    FERGUS
    If itís a dick Iím gonna puke.
    lol

    Possibly reply: "Wouldn't be the first time a dick's made you puke..."

    (sorry)


    HOWIE
    poo poo me! Is that a tumor?

    FERGUS
    Tumor my ass. Itís a tit.
    lol

    these two lines have great cadence.


    HOWIE
    It was sucking on that tit.

    FERGUS
    The titís dead! The worst it
    couldíve done is squirt me.
    lol

    Howard scrambles ashore towards a parked truck. Tries the
    door.
    Should be "Howie", right?

    Howie jolts back. Notices she canít leave the water, as she trashes about.
    "Thrashes"

    CRUNCH. Howie turns towards the woods. A Huge grizzly, rears
    itself on its hind legs.
    A HAIRY MANís torso grows out its side.
    HOWIE
    Damn college kids!
    INT. FROZEN LAKE - UNDERWATER - DAY
    Howieís severed head floats in the greenish blue water. A
    fishing line snags it.
    FADE OUT.
    Brilliant! Best ending I've read yet! Way to end on a bang!

    I thought this was diabolically strange (in a good way) and I love the title and ending. The one thing I'd work on is some of the descriptions when they pull up the first fish. I had a difficult time trying to figure out what was initially going on and it took a few re-reads before I really got it.

    Good job!


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    #17
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    HOWIE
    You’re alive ain’t ya? If you had a
    camera you’d be alive and famous
    rich?
    I don't what word is missing from this but I think there is one...
    Not a word, it's the damn question mark at the end of the second sentence. It's not a question. :P

    Good catch on the Howard = Howie and thrashes/shushes. D'oh!

    Phew! Glad the writing elicited those LOLs, man.

    This was intended as such and so were the characters. Not calculating, smart guys assessing the situation to take action. But rather, inebriated morons out for the next quick buck to buy more beer and instant gratification, sexual or otherwise.

    Glad you liked the ending! Thanks!
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

    2nd Place, ScriptFest IV: Western - The Patch-up Kid

    3rd Place, ScriptFest V: MonsterFest - Brr
    ______________________________________________
    Website | Blog


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    #18
    Senior Member Michael Carter's Avatar
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    Man, I enjoyed that!

    I too was thrown at the beginning - I'd suggest there's the blur of the trout being yanked into the guy's face, the plop of it hitting the ice while the drunks are yelling - then sudden silence/shock on their faces for a beat, their eyes getting BIG... "we pan along the fish, gasping its last breaths... and see that instead of a tail, its body ends in a human wrist and hand..." (or whatever)

    If I were directing this, I'd make the guys seriously drunk - ever see Foster Brooks? Go to YouTube and google that name. I'm picturing him ice fishing now...


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    #19
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    On of 'em could be Foster Brooks, Michael. The other could be Oliver Platt from "The Ice Harvest" a great inebriated performance.

    Glad you enjoyed the story!
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

    2nd Place, ScriptFest IV: Western - The Patch-up Kid

    3rd Place, ScriptFest V: MonsterFest - Brr
    ______________________________________________
    Website | Blog


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    #20
    Senior Member Michael Carter's Avatar
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    Yeah, the "ice fishing harvest"... cool!


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