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    #21
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    I still think The War of the Worlds should be adapted closer to the novel!


    Marshall Dean

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    #22
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    I agree. You have hits and misses for various reasons. Some for sticking too close, others for missing the essence of the original in the first place. More often than not they fail because the person adapting goes it alone or doesn't study the original story beyond what was on the page and analyzed what the author set out to write in the first place.

    You can both over and under adapt any story. Even the ones in your own head.


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    #23
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Exactly, you have to have respect and knowledge of the piece you are adapting. Perfect examples; Kubrick's The Shining and Jackson's The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Especially Jackson, who loves Tolken's books.


    Marshall Dean

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    #24
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Fine examples. Gotta love the original, otherwise the lack of passion will bubble to the surface.


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    #25
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    He is covered in snow up to his shoulders and in his hair.
    This sentence reads a little awkward to me.

    Booth looks at Tookey and they share a look of concern.
    Redundant.

    Lumley doesn’t look around, but just walks to her.
    Awkward.



    I really don't know how to critique or rate this. Having not read the short story in a long time I have no frame of reference for what you've added in or left out. I will try to find my copy, read it, and update this post.


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    #26
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    I haven't read Stephen King's short story, so I'm not familiar with this. I have read Salem's Lot though, and I felt that you captured the atmosphere that Stephen King created in that story. The pacing was good and I was interested to see what happens next. I didn't care much for the opening voice over, but I did like the voice over at the end. Good job on the script.


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    #27
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Cheers I wanted to you the voice over in some form as the original tale was narrated and opened up questions for me like: who was Booth telling the story to and why?

    Thanks for the read.


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    #28
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    I don't know where to begin as far as critiquing this is concerned because I'm a huge King fan and feel that you being one too have taken certain things for granted when it comes to adapting the story to script.

    Not everyone in your audience has read the story or is a Stephen King fan.

    This is my main concern. In this regard and critiquing it from that point of view the script comes out very bare-bones and hollow.

    How?

    Well, take the first scene.

    Are there any other people in the bar? Do you mention they are alone? Only people who've read the story know so.

    You don't tell us whether Lumley met with an accident, ran out of gas, or had a flat. He is here stuttering about his wife and kid in the car.

    If Booth walks to the phone, picks it up and looks at it, how would he know it's dead without putting it to his ear?

    Tookey leaves to get his Scout out of the garage.
    We wouldn't know what he's left to do. Just Tookey exits, would work.

    These inconsistencies again stem from assumptions about the audience probably being familiar to the story.

    The basic mantra of screenplays where one should only write what one sees and hears on the screen is therefore lacking here.

    The basis of the story was its pacing and you have achieved this aspect in the scene when they arrive at the Mercedes. This portion works the best in terms of dramatic tension and exposition that is to the point and clearly established.

    While I like the ending descriptions the V.O. doesn't have that impact because the transition from the moment he slams the car door to it driving seems awkward.

    This honestly should be lengthened, the idea needs to be paced out, backstory elaborated and characters need dramatic breathing space.

    Give them so!

    All the best.
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    #29
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Taken things for granted? um how so? Being a fan of the story or Mr. King had little bearing on this script or story as it stands in this 6 page version. You seem to have focused more on what was missing that what was in it. Anything lacking in this story may well just be down to the fact that it does need more room, but works as well as possible in 6 pages (without dumping scenes and characters).

    When first I tackled this it was a straight 15 page script. Then I figured there was little point adapting it without building on it. So it became a 45 page script based on the events that came after. Everyone loved this but I had a script to short to be a movie, to long for a short. Hence fleshed it out into a 100 page script.

    This six page script is just for this fest.


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    #30
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Taken things for granted? um how so? Being a fan of the story or Mr. King had little bearing on this script or story as it stands in this 6 page version.
    I mention the first scene as an example of this. You mention a bar in your slug. Are there any other people? Can this be a bar anywhere?

    When Lumley first speaks he doesn't ask for help. He mentions a wife and kid. Yet, you never hint at what went wrong and why he's here. You tell us he's here.

    Therefore, if I read this it leaves me with a lot of questions. Questions perhaps that leave me not feeling any empathy for the characters.

    You seem to have focused more on what was missing that what was in it. Anything lacking in this story may well just be down to the fact that it does need more room, but works as well as possible in 6 pages (without dumping scenes and characters).
    See, it doesn't work that well for 6 pages. That is my point. The characters don't get time before they decide to help Lumley. The urgency in the car ride on the way to the Mercedes is curt and doesn't do much dramatically.

    Describe the surroundings and sounds around the Mercedes. The highway, the unploughed roads. This enhances the isolation and gives it atmosphere.

    If I'm an audience, regardless of whether or not I've read the story I want more in terms of setting and time frame.

    This is just a personal opinion, man. You have the skills. Feels slightly compromised when they are utilized to fit 6 pages.
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