After recently going through a rough breakup, Andy moves into a new apartment where the previous tenants have left everything, including an old television set. Andy soon discovers that something is not quite right with his new TV. The people on the screen seem to be reaching out to him, communicating with him, and pleading for his help.
I'm currently in pre-production for this short, which will be my submission for MonsterFest. This is my first scriptfest, so I hope you guys enjoy the script, as well as the short film for the fest. I look forward to reading your comments as well as your scripts. Thanks!
Thread: Channel 8
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09-08-2009 07:33 AM
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- Aug 2007
09-14-2009 06:14 PM
Interesting vibe. Not what I would call a monster flick.
I was thinking the demon thing would kill her in Andy's house, so he would find her body on the way home and then be busted for murder. I guess the story could go on. Good Job.
09-14-2009 06:42 PM
Very nice script Kenneth,
I like stories ob objects being demonic. One of the best to me is Christine. This seems mix of that film and Poltergeist. I liked the characters. I think we should have more of a clue as to what has happened between them, something subtle so we can make our own minds up. I also think you could have a little more at the end. I do like the ending, but it feels like it needs something...
Overall though, a good script. Well done.
09-15-2009 05:57 PM
This is a nice script; while I would agree with some of the other commenters that some of the description is a little clunky (I had to read the second scene twice to get clear on what was going on, I got the impression at first that Andy and Sarah were both there watching the video), I think overall it works.
As to the comments about it being more of a horror movie than a monster movie--technically that would be correct, but technically it does show a monster, which is the requirement of both this ScriptFest and the MonsterFest, so my opinion is that it qualifies for both. (Of course, my opinion means exactly jack squat in official forum business. )
Okay, I don't usually do spoiler warnings in these threads, because I figure people have read the script, but I'm going to respond to one thing particularly from an earlier comment and since I'm laying out my interpretation of the script I don't want to color anyone else's read of it, so read the script and then come back.
If I'm right about the abortion thing, BTW, I would liked to have seen the Demon Preacher tied in somehow to the aborted fetus.
One final comment that I didn't feel the need to bury in the spoiler section is that it might be nice to see the Preacher earlier on, at least briefly, as things first start to get weird.
Despite all this nitpicking, though, I did like the script. It'll be interesting to see what you can do with the filmed version.The Plinkett Equation:
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09-17-2009 01:57 AM
Fun read, with a sort of creep-show/twilight zone vibe going on.
I wouldn't mention camera movements (but I get the impression you plan to film this yourself, so you're the boss) and would have divided up the description paragraphs. But again if you plan to both write and direct, your don't have to worry about someone reading and winging.
I would try and use his name in one or two of the action lines, rather than a constant he, his etc - always try to avoid anything that effects the flow of the read and stands out enough to distract the reader.
09-14-2009 09:01 PM
Enjoyable, you don't need the voiceover in the bathroom, the flashback is just as effective w/o it. Although their past seems incomplete, I'm not positive what happened between them and could have used more just to round out the story.
I like how, even if unintentionally, the story seems like a commentary on television stealing the souls of our society as well as Sarah's eyes being gouged out. She lost them to the TV. TV is a demon. It certainly might not be subtle but it works well.
09-14-2009 11:07 PM
I liked the script, not a monster script, definitely a horror script. The fact of it not fitting the genre does hurt it a bit in my mind, that told, it was a good read. Some of the TV vs. Real World stuff was a bit unclear, but on the same token, I thought you bounced around pretty well. You could clear things up with "ON TV" more clear marks, but then would worry about those marks appearing hokey. I'd just say play around with that part a bit for future.
Whole thing seems like a really interesting short film, the story was cool and dark, it could come across as a bit staged, and I definitely would like to see how it looks produced. Thanks for submitting.
09-15-2009 11:56 AM
The TV-Demon concept itself seems interesting but the immersion in the story was lost because of lax execution.
Andy approaches and sees that it is Sarah.
Preacher (on TV): Can I get an Amen?
Andy sees Sarah and is horrified by what he sees.
Not only is "sees" and "walks" used perhaps a hundred times in the script but everything just kinda happens in front of the passive protagonist as if he's in a dark ride at Disneyland. He just sees stuff, walks towards stuff. There is no reaction, decision or distinct behavior that would make me care for him or his wife. It feels very bland.
09-17-2009 06:20 PM
ok I thought this was a fun and erie ride. I do agree with some of the other comments about some confusion on who is watching what's on tv. But I really did enjoy this script. It would be really fun to make. Great job.