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    #11
    Senior Member Tim Joy's Avatar
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    Great script, Ben. I thought it was very funny. Never would've guessed how the title is used. Awesome!


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    #12
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Man I was going to suggest having the band on a truck bed with the speakers blaring. I watched Mars attacks and can't remember the ending at all, well except for the exploding heads. Fun Read!
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    #13
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    I really enjoyed it. Reminded me a lot of Wild Zero and I also got a Mars Attacks vibe like some others have, it's fairly similar but has its own personal touch of finesse. It's simple but effective.

    This was funny, I really enjoyed the dialogue exchanged between the three band members, it flows well and feels natural. Especially funny in the midst of uncertain demise Miles and Jesse argue about the right solo from War Pigs.

    What's gonna happen to Brian, did their hard-rocking stop the virus from spreading into his body or is he gonna turn into a zombie (yet still able to play bass)?


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    #14
    Pain In The Ass 2.0 Ben Sliker's Avatar
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    haha, yeah, Brian will be able to keep the virus from spreading as long as he rocks. awesome idea! perhaps epic metal also has healing power.


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    #15
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    Let's rock these zombie bitches.
    I think that really says everything that needs to be said about this script. Well done.

    Well, one minor nitpick: the Reporter says that the zombies are slow, but yet they're able to get under the garage door before it closes?
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    #16
    Member mookid's Avatar
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    That was a straightforward and quick read. It would even be entertaining without the zombies because you can just lean back and watch the idiots having a stupid discussion.
    For some reason I was reminded of Lucas Arts' point and click adventures. Maybe it had to do with the sparsity of stage directions or because the dialogue resembled Tim Schafer's style, but I saw this short in 16 bit EGA colors and SCUMM-interface.

    minor detail:
    A zombie has attacked Brian and has started chewing on his
    neck.
    This action line stood out for me because everything else was written as a real time description in present tense. Suddenly you switched to present perfect, changing the narrative mode of the story for no apparent reason.

    Overall one of the strongest and most distinct scripts of the contest. Thx for the entertaining read.


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    #17
    Pain In The Ass 2.0 Ben Sliker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Pierce View Post
    I think that really says everything that needs to be said about this script. Well done.

    Well, one minor nitpick: the Reporter says that the zombies are slow, but yet they're able to get under the garage door before it closes?
    thanks for the read. I thought there was some HUGE opportunity for comedy with the garage door, cause I don't know about yours, but mine takes FOREVER to close.

    If I were to shoot it, when the garage door opens, I would have multiple "surprise look on my face" shots and then back to the garage door being maybe a 1/3 of the way open. And then, of course, the zombies, even though they are slow, being able to make it underneath the door because it closes so slowly. funnier now?


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    #18
    Pain In The Ass 2.0 Ben Sliker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mookid View Post
    That was a straightforward and quick read. It would even be entertaining without the zombies because you can just lean back and watch the idiots having a stupid discussion.
    For some reason I was reminded of Lucas Arts' point and click adventures. Maybe it had to do with the sparsity of stage directions or because the dialogue resembled Tim Schafer's style, but I saw this short in 16 bit EGA colors and SCUMM-interface.

    minor detail:

    This action line stood out for me because everything else was written as a real time description in present tense. Suddenly you switched to present perfect, changing the narrative mode of the story for no apparent reason.

    Overall one of the strongest and most distinct scripts of the contest. Thx for the entertaining read.
    haha, point and click adventures, awesome reference.

    thanks for the pick-up on the tense change. I used to be MISERABLE at this so I need people to bop me on the head when I do it. I have to remember that everything is happenening in the now and I need to write it that way. THANKS!!!


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    #19
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    That makes sense.
    The Plinkett Equation:

    TOS16 + TNG5 + DS94 + VOY11 + ENT 8
    __________________________________________________ = History is changing every 23 millionths of a second

    F649 + Alp987 + Bet934 + Gam764 + Del837 * 100,000,000,000


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    #20
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    MILES’ MOM
    Oh, I’m sorry, but I think saw some
    men out on the lawn.
    Awesome...

    Brian heads to the garage door opener and hits the button.
    The three of them wait an incredibly long time for the door
    to open up.
    Great gag.

    They start to slowly stumble towards them.
    "Start to" is almost never needed and almost always reduces the impact of the action that's starting. I think even the word "slowly" lessons the power of this line.

    MILES
    No, the one after the bridge.

    JESSE
    There’s two after the bridge.

    A zombie has attacked Brian and has started chewing on his
    neck.
    lololol


    Jesse looks down at his kit and nails a two measure solo.
    Part of the Zombie’s arm explodes with some blood.
    ???




    So this is basically a zombified Mars Attacks!

    I think it suffers from the same thing a lot of the other entries did: didn't end on a bang. People can make whatever artistic excuses they want but the fact is the successful, viral, shorts end with a twist or reversal of some kind. I think that's what this needs. What that twist or reversal would be I don't know.

    Apart from that, I think this had the best title and dialog of the fest. You have a knack for crafting different sounding voices.


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