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    Junior Member
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    Sep 2009

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  2. Collapse Details
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    That was a fast flowing silly read.

    The music killing is a very nice touch and certainly elevates the script. The action reminded me to the insane vibe of a lovely strange Japanese movie called Electric Dragon 80000v (

    If you'd make this a short I'll be watching.

    Oh and to be very original: good title!
    This is the way the world ends
    Not with a bang but a whimper

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    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    The Freakin' Desert
    Technical - you are in an interior location, DUSK is unnecessary unless you reveal through the lighting from the windows that it's Dusk - day or night keep it simple.

    Cap RABBIT EARS because it reveals us about the setting and add FEMALE reporter, didn't know it was a woman until her voice trailed off.

    How do we know the band's name unless it's on a poster, flyer or banner? Show, don't tell.

    You have three location all at dusk, if it's all happening continuous, just state -- CONTINUOUS.

    THREE MUSICIANS should be all caps. If Miles is the guitarist place a pick in his hand, if Jesse is a drummer place drumsticks in his hand - show don't tell.

    Get rid of (Continued) at bottom of page.

    Brian is Miles little brother - you're telling us, not showing us.

    Parenthetical when Jesse addresses Brian all you need is (to Jesse).

    Parenthetical where action is stated (moves closer to his brother) I would simply place in an action paragraph.

    The mother is in a nightie without a robe?

    ...harping on the door... harping doesn't make sense, banging is better.

    If someone's in trouble, you don't wait for the garage door to open all the way, you sneak underneath the opening as soon as you can.

    Holy Balls? - who screams that?

    Garages are usually attached to homes and when they're not, they probably have a side door to get out.

    Their mom just died and they're celebrating? Not quite believable. The music as a weapon is good considering how bad they'd have to be to kill even the living dead.

    Probably best title of bunch.
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
    Portfolio of an Entertainment Blogger

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