Thread: Ed Reck

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    #11
    Senior Member REHov520's Avatar
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    thanks for the feedback, guys. yeah, i realize it's a bit strange that we don't see the mother's reaction to her baby in the slime, but i wanted to do it that way because i felt like there was too much of her screaming and freaking out and i wanted to trim down on it. also i thought it'd be funny to be on the baby in the pool and then just hard cut to the opening credits.

    as far as her not telling her husband, she feels guilty about it and wants to keep it a secret. i realize now though i could've done a better job of communicating this, making her seem more nervous and guilty or something, because she is hiding something.


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    #12
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    The first Monster script that pays homage to all things gigantic and "Kong" with an Oedipus complex thrown in.

    Baby Ed shouldn't speak. Takes away from the ominous tone and I suddenly imagine Rick Moranis and "Honey I blew Up the Kid"! A darker version with death and destruction but that unbelievability factor just the same.

    a) He speaks. I can understand him turning into a monster is unbelievable anyway, but within the confines of the genre the speech resulting from increase in physical size due to nuclear ooze doesn't make sense.

    b)Moreover his dialog sounds like HAL from 2001. Very staccato and Robotic.

    Your descriptions are quite lovely and poetic at times with enough cues to the production designer and actors. At other times I feel it is overkill.

    Fighting back his fear, pain, and disbelief, he struggles to instill
    authority in his voice.

    Ed slowly emerges from the swamplands in the background and
    crawls toward them stealthily, a lion stalking its prey.
    These are just examples. While the former doesn't add much to plot as the dialog already implies this, the latter bestows a predator like instinct which again reinforces my opinion about the nuclear ooze enhancing his intelligence.

    Yet he drools and wails like a baby?

    The pacing is great. The action taut. The dramatic peaks well written.

    A quick once-over to polish certain bits, supply some back-story about Ed, what Janice does besides being a mom and their total isolation from any other people will do wonders for this story.

    Good job!
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    #13
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Fun read. Well written and flowed well.

    The descriptions would do with some breaking up into paragraphs of individual shots. They read like they are crammed together to fit the six pages.

    example:

    Lars steps out of the bathroom, freshly showered. Janice is
    on her feet, scrambling eggs. Lars walks past and kisses her
    on the cheek. The corners of her lips curve into a barely
    perceptible smile. He continues to Ed’s crib and taps the
    bars affectionately.

    Would flow a lot better (especially in the readers mind as).

    Lars steps out of the bathroom, freshly showered.

    Janice is on her feet, scrambling eggs.

    Lars walks past and kisses her on the cheek. The corners of her lips curve into a barely perceptible smile.

    He continues to Ed’s crib and taps the bars affectionately.

    More space but you mind breaks up the "shots".

    Rather than spell out the spill in dialog, I would have used a newscast (on radio in background). But this is all choice.

    Good job.


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    #14
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    Technical - First line, "An ominous nuclear power plant...." - ugh. How is it "omnious?' Show me don't tell me.

    "Ed" sounds awfully mature name for a child. I keep thinking of an ol' man.

    ..."her tomato garden has been torn up" -- try stronger verbs.

    Break up your action paragraphs for a quicker read.

    Content - regardless of mutant babies, a mother's love will always come first for her child, seriously, she'd try to find another way, child was only 10 months old.

    Not to call for help or to escape but to go after the mutant child I'm not sure is believable. If my son attacked his dad, I'd call for help, Sheriff, Cops, Local Forest Rangers. That part didn't seem believable to me either. Also, the tomatoes, grass, anything the water touched, which would INCLUDE the mother's hand, would have mutated. Have you ever held a water hose and not gotten wet?

    All in all in happened too fast, the mutation and action so much so that I couldn't get invested in the characters, but nice to see you kept the child's bond with its mother.
    Last edited by Charli; 09-25-2009 at 01:35 PM.
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    #15
    Senior Member REHov520's Avatar
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    thanks. the name "Ed Reck" was supposed to be a subtle nod to Oedipus Rex, so that's why I called him that. I agree, it is a strange name for a baby, but I kinda liked that.


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