Thread: The Liquidators

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    The Liquidators
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    Title: The Liquidators

    Tagline: Involved with heart and soul.

    Logline: One decade after the nuclear power plant
    disaster near Kyshtym, an mutated ecosystem has formed in the exclusion zone, and this evening a military squad known as The Liquidators, led by former Kyshtym inhabitant Sergei, is sent into the zone to investigate a communications blackout with a group of scientists.
    This is the way the world ends
    Not with a bang but a whimper


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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Very nice... The logline makes it sound like a similar world to Tarkovshy's Stalker.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    Member mookid's Avatar
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    Script uploaded.
    Don't really know if I'm happy with the uploaded version, but it seems the best I can do with the story in 6 pages.

    First draft was way too long. Going already to 12+ pages and still missing important parts of the story. Was impossible to really get under ten pages so had to cut a lot.

    Biggest victim of this is prolly what DarkElastic had in mind when he thought of similarities to Stalker's world. There's just no room to make the whole eco-system come to life.

    Pacing is maybe a bit too fast compared to what I was intending when I started writing it.

    Looking forward to your opinions.
    This is the way the world ends
    Not with a bang but a whimper


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    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    There's a lot to this and the idea is a strong one however it just didn't flow well. It feels choppy and abrupt.

    There were too many characters and no way to tell them apart, all the sergeants look and act the same and I was unsure who was who. I gain no connection to these people.
    KIRILL
    Itís the radiation. He was one of the first liquidators. Cleaning the mess, but also searching for his lost brother who was working in the nuclear power plant when the accident happened. Back then they didnít have these bio-suits. His attacks are getting much worse lately.
    Here's an example of when there is just too much exposition, you've explained away all of the subtleties and motivations that could be developed with the character opting for the easy dialogue explanation of SERGEI (?), instead of giving him characteristics and showing us over time, develop these characters and let them grow naturally with the story.

    It seems like you were trying to create something too big for the 6 pages, which isn't a bad thing, I'm sure in a longer version character's and motivations were more distinct and clear, it has room to breathe.


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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    I agree MrKilloran. I can see how this was easily a much larger piece. I won't drone on, but I think you could tighten up the writing which'll give you more white space and build the impact of your words.
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    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi TheAlchemist, thanks for the read mate.

    You explained it a while back in the thread, this was easily over the 10 page mark and you lost a lot with getting it down to 6 and it showed. There is a lot of good here and I found the 6 pages flew by as I read it.
    The characters need work, they need to be better developed and they need to speak like soldiers, example:

    SERGEI
    Timur, everything clean there?
    TIMUR
    Seems so yes.

    Sergei should have berated him for not being 100% sure the room was clear.
    I think you could have done more with the mutant and Sergei relationship, I expected that to be his brother but there were no clues, just his devotion to saving it.

    I hope to write this up fully and really explore the characters, the story and create a long short or a feature out of it.

    Overall, a good script, but needs a lot of work and should be developed further. Well done mate.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    Certainly you deserve credit for an ambitious script, but of course (as has been mentioned) ambition is not always a plus when you have a 6-page limit. Speaking from experience, there comes a time when you just have to say "I can't do this idea justice in this format" and put it on the shelf in favor of a concept that maybe can work in fewer pages. (Of course, given that once I put the idea on the shelf I never actually take it back down and work on it again later, that may not be the best advice in the world...)

    DarkElastic already mentioned something that bugged me, which was that the soldiers don't sound like soldiers. I also have to wonder, why do they keep sending Sergei back in if he's getting worse? We know why he wants to go back in, to find out something about his brother, but if he's going to start having attacks at random moments, he's not really the guy you want leading your team.

    I could spend a long time writing about what I'd like to see in a longer version, but I won't. I'm certainly intrigued by the concept, and I could easily see this going to feature length and telling an interesting story. In that respect, it's a success, but considered just as a short, it can't quite hold up. Not awful by any means, I should say, just not quite successful.
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    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    The transport helicopter flies above The Mayek Exclusion
    Zone. An radioactive contaminated area of 10 square miles
    surrounded by high walls. The forested areas in the zone
    look reddish from above.
    How does the audience know it's radioactively contaminated?

    SERGEI
    We’ve lost contact with a team of
    scientists. They were working
    inside the zone at location Omega
    #1. We’re going to this location
    and check things out. Could be
    trouble.
    Sounds like Aliens so far...

    The character introductions should have ages at the very least.

    I also have no idea which one of these guys is the main character yet...you can often make that distinction by describing one person in more detail than all the others.

    EXT. OMEGA #1 - LATER
    You don't need a LATER tag here. It's a brand new scene, brand new slugline, and should have a brand new time of day designation.

    KIRILL
    It’s the radiation. He was one of
    the first liquidators. Cleaning
    the mess, but also searching for
    his lost brother who was working
    in the nuclear power plant when
    the accident happened. Back then
    they didn’t have these bio-suits.
    His attacks are getting much
    worse lately.
    Exposition is an art in of itself. It need a careful touch to not be obvious in it's intentions. It is obvious here. Perhaps instead of all these details, choose one and see if it reads more naturally.

    The mutant has no intention to attack Sergei. It seems
    scared.
    Why is it scared all of a sudden? What changed? A second ago it killed a dude while two of his armed friends stood behind him. A minute before that, it killed two armed men. That seems like the opposite of "scared".

    I didn't understand Sergei's motivation and therefore didn't understand the crux of this story. That would be the first thing, in my opinion, to work on in the rewrite.

    Good luck.


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    haaaaa ha
    nice


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