Technical - FADE IN comes in first before masterslugline.
How do we know they are flying above the "Mayek Exclusion Zone?" Are there signs?
When using military names you must also put in all caps their rank because that is part of their name: CAPTAIN SERGEI.
Try to keep your action paragraphs two 4 lines at the most.
Kirill - that's a lot of exposition.
How does the Captain contact the Colonel a base? Radio? laptop? helicopter radio? Unless we see the Colonel it has to be V.O.
... what were in these cages...
DOSSIER - all cap - any object of any significance to the place in all capitals.
...then he starts moving away... - just put 'he moves away.'
How do we know that the dossier has his brother's name? you are telling us not showing us.
It would be more properly said, "lower your weapons."
Content: I'm not sure I understand the title to the short. The all appeared to be Russian but they speak with a very English slang syntax, I would have preferred an accident for authenticity.
I understand what you were trying to do but I think there were too many characters but the story got a little muddled.
Thread: The Liquidators
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09-26-2009 11:04 AM"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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10-08-2009 03:26 AM
- Join Date
- Jan 2006
Thx for all the feedback.
Think I will try and recreate a longer version and take an extra look at the things you all mentioned. Must be able to fix most of the things mentioned.
About the title:
The Liquidators refers to the men that helped after the Chernobyl accident. Sergei and the rest of the original squad were assigned to do the same things after the Mayek accident in my story.This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper