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    #21
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Send that kid round to beat intelligence into them!!!


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #22
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Ew. This script is kind of disturbing and questions the limits of morality and ethics.

    Is "mama" a captive, captor, or just kind of kinky ?

    The barn scene is the only real detraction from the script, it needs to be tightened up and paced differently as it feels out of place and the flashback to the barn, happening only a few minutes before, seems unnecessary.

    Good use of dialogue, very descriptive portrait of things - one of the best:
    Their lumpy shapes under their clothes suggest more hidden impairments.
    Ends on a pretty twisted note, that final mutated image of the "happy family", great work.


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    #23
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Well written story. Interesting ahem....ending.

    Confused by small things here and there they could be cleared up easily.

    Would drop Roy's line "Ugh, the backwoods." - just show that he looks less than happy to be where he is.

    A couple of fragmented sentences, work OK but stick out and harm the flow.
    "He wears a hooded sweatshirt. He watches Roy pass." Few more examples of these throughout. I do it myself and try hard to avoid as they effect how other people read.


    a naked PA - Did you mean PA like father?

    Not sure the flashback on page six was needed.

    Didn't like the line "You are...A...I can’t believe I’m saying this but...You are right there...You’re an alien." - don't think he would say Can't believe I'm saying this considering the situation. He would be bricking it and panicking.

    Page 7 you mention the same room - INT. BASEMENT – DAY that we were already in (was a flashback removed here?)

    This works as a tongue in cheek sort of "Slither" comedy/horror. But I would aim for more laughs and more pages. Needs more room to set up the tension.

    Not sure how people would react to the ending when viewed as a visual piece rather than read. But hey look at True Blood on TV.....


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    #24
    Senior Member Tim Joy's Avatar
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    I was confused about PA too. Maybe PAPA instead?

    Chris. I like how your mind goes to those "forbidden zones". It was well written, 'cept for a little extra fluff in the barn, and the pacing was good overall. I would agree with others that felt like the beginning didn't have much to do with the end. Other than establishing him as a doctor in the po-dunks, what purpose does it serve?

    If you only read the dialog, there's not much there. Maybe a little more balance of storytelling between the dialog and description would make it a more interesting read, and get us into the characters' minds a bit more. Right now, the plot feels forced upon the characters. IMO, it should be the characters that pull the plot along behind them, based on 'who they are'.

    Overall- I liked the ideas and 90% of the execution, but wanted a more solid story. Loved the sick and twisted aspects of it. Rock on! I know you will.


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    #25
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    That's what I get for switching gears at the last second. The next revision will be better or sicker?
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #26
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Sicker I hope.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #27
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    I have learned not to submit your first draft. If only I knew we were going to have a few extra days.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #28
    Senior Member Tim Joy's Avatar
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    That's quite good for a first draft. You should see mine. It looks like a pile of mama slug crap on tuesday after eating 12 macho burritos monday night.


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    #29
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tim Joy View Post
    That's quite good for a first draft. You should see mine. It looks like a pile of mama slug crap on tuesday after eating 12 macho burritos monday night.
    Ooh, that gave me shivers.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #30
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Man, should've used 'Gathering Souls' it's totally getting better reviews on Zoetrope than 'In The Family.'
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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