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    #11
    Senior Member bwind22's Avatar
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    Looking forward to it. I'm sure it'll be pretty cool.


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    #12
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    ALL YE WHO PASS SHALL EXPERIENCE DA SPOILERS!



































    Their lumpy shapes under their clothes suggest more hidden
    impairments.
    lol...ugh

    Jasper flicks on a bare light bulb. Its sickly glow
    illuminates the tattered staircase.
    Nice.

    On top of the slug lies a naked PA (70s), dead for days.
    Production Assistant? Physicians Assistant? Personal Assistant?

    The slug pulsates and knocks Pa off the bed.
    Oh...


    I thought it was really, really good. But for me, the ending fell a little bit flat. A "new member of the family" didn't seem to coincide with anything that was set up earlier. The mutant hicks said "momma was sick" Sick to make another baby? I don't get it. What if she wanted to make a girl so as to better populate the world? The progeny were all male after all...I also thought it would be funny if the story was bookended with scenes where his wife accuses him of cheating. In the opening one, as he's leaving the house, she could bring him one of his shirts with lipstick on it and he could insist it's just "spilled jam" and then at the end maybe he successfully sires a daughter and then the mutants kick him out and he drives home only to ring the doorbell at his house and have his wife react to seeing him covered head to toe in alien sex juice and then he mutters it's just spilled something else, salad dressing maybe, I don't know...that's just a random idea but the point is I think the first 95% of the script deserves a bigger bang to go out on.

    Great script!
    Last edited by arroway; 09-15-2009 at 12:07 AM.


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    #13
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Spoiler, spoiled, just plain wrong.....



    Quote Originally Posted by arroway View Post
    l
    I thought it was really, really good. But for me, the ending fell a little bit flat. A "new member of the family" didn't seem to coincide with anything that was set up earlier. The mutant hicks said "momma was sick" Sick to make another baby? I don't get it. What if she wanted to make a girl so as to better populate the world? The progeny were all male after all...I also thought it would be funny if the story was bookended with scenes where his wife accuses him of cheating. In the opening one, as he's leaving the house, she could bring him one of his shirts with lipstick on it and he could insist it's just "spilled jam" and then at the end maybe he successfully sires a daughter and then the mutants kick him out and he drives home only to ring the doorbell at his house and have his wife react to seeing him covered head to toe in alien sex juice and then he mutters it's just spilled something else, salad dressing maybe, I don't know...that's just a random idea but the point is I think the first 95% of the script deserves a bigger bang to go out on.

    Great script!

    Oh, I could certainly expand it. 6 pages is hardly enough room. I was hoping to give the vibe that Pa was juiced to death and the Dr. was the next victim. Of course the Dr. looked happy, but he really was under the alien's spell. Besides you and a few other members here I can't imagine someone willingly siring mutants with a slug ho.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #14
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    People shouldn't be reading comments before they write their own! New material should be approached with fresh eyes! There is absolutely NO WAY reading a bunch of critiques BEFORE you read the story DOESN'T completely change the experience...





    But I'll EDIT you a spoiler warning anyway.


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    #15
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Any Futurama fans here? Coz' your monster reminds me of the Slurm Queen from Wormulon.

    The major issue I've with this script is the exposition to simplify plot. The flashback scene is overkill honestly. The references with their speech, body characteristics and the clue under the tarp works quite cleverly. Why spoon feed us?

    The scene in the barn needs a once-over with delete button handy to trim up and tighten the pacing. Why won't he scream for help? He moves about to find an escape route and doesn't think of shouting?

    I'd also spend a bit more time describing the object. Markings it might have, what the gash reveals etc.

    One of my slight peeves is watching characters on screen talk to themselves about the observations they make. For example, Roy says, "Ugh, the backwoods."

    This seems forced. Though it works to develop the character for the audience, I never feel it works unless he/she is talking to someone.

    Your descriptions and scene work are visually clever, well thought of and cleverly paced otherwise.

    The dialogs are hilarious as I visualize them and for me the slightly open style of ending works.

    The style is very "Richard Laymon" Check him out!

    Good job Chris.
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

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    #16
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by arroway View Post
    People shouldn't be reading comments before they write their own! New material should be approached with fresh eyes! There is absolutely NO WAY reading a bunch of critiques BEFORE you read the story DOESN'T completely change the experience...





    But I'll EDIT you a spoiler warning anyway.

    I wasn't complaining at all. You'll know when I complain. I personally avoid reading comments until I read the script. I figure everyone is an adult, but the spoiler thing was really for my comments. But whateva!
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #17
    Senior Member REHov520's Avatar
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    wow, a very gross twist at the end. i was happy that this turned out to be more than just a "hills have eyes" family of mutants. although I agree that you hit us over the head too hard with the explanation... particularly with Roy's "I can't believe I'm saying this" line. let us figure out for ourselves that it's an alien. overall i liked it, though. good job.


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    #18
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    The script's pretty twisted! I wasn't sure where it was going at first, and once Jasper and his brother's showed up and started talking about their mother, I started to think of an old X-Files episode.

    I loved the visuals you created with this script. I was a little confused though. I wasn't sure if the alien was there willingly or not. Are Jasper and his brothers keeping the alien against her will?

    I'd like to see this one shot. I think with some good editing and showing only small glimpses of the full alien, it could work. Good job on the script!


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    #19
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Chris, thanks for the read.

    This is plainly disgusting... sex with a slug creature is just wrong and then having babies!!! Hilarious, Chris. I got what PA meant and who he was, an earlier victim that Roy needs to replace.
    Yes, spoon feeding is no no, you could have left us with more to work out. I actually thought the metallic thing in the barn was a ship at first, so I had aliens in my head. The question of her being a prisoner or not is a good question... she seems in on it.

    Overall, a disturbing script with a lot going for it. Could do with being longer so you can make it really great. Well done mate.


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    Writer/Producer


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    #20
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Thanks all. Sorry for beating you over the head. I had a more 'vague' version, but the few folks that read got confused. Maybe I need sharper readers? :P
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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