Technical - unless you need to state the proper name Longfellow keep it simple and state that it's in the living room.
How is Alayana able to hop to her feet inside the tent? Tents are small even if you use the dining room table you couldn't stand up.
...dragging her to the ground... - should be to the floor for they are inside.
Is Alayna suspicious or afraid when asked about the door never to open, remember she's only eight years old.
The rest of the dialogue while they are in the bedroom should have both kids in a whisper.
Keep your action paragraphs to a maximum of four lines. You should all cap HEAD since that is an object of interest.
Content: it did not make sense to me for there to be room that the kids could not enter if it was known that there was a vampire living in there. Also for the parents to be nonresponsive and be completely taken over without a fight seemed completely unbelievable to me.
You had me at the first half of your story with the kids which dialogue was believable and actions were believable. You lost me the moment they enter their parents room's after that I think it was a forced story.
This to me was a story that had very good potential but missed the mark.
Thread: A Vampire for All Seasons
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09-26-2009 11:38 AM"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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