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    #11
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    EXT. SERENE GLADE, SUMMER - DAY
    CLOSE UP OF AN OLD MAN'S WRINKLED FACE. Heís sitting...
    I'm a fan of the capped first line. I'm starting to see it more and more in professional scripts.

    Crouching next to her is MIKE, 23, an intelligent version of Forrest
    Gump.
    That is probably the most divide by zero-like character description I have ever read. It almost causes me physical pain trying to imagine this.

    It is his goodbye party.
    How does the audience know this?

    SOPHIE
    Really? Letís see.
    (playfully pompous)
    What is the distance between Mars
    and the Sun?

    MIKE
    (completely serious)
    Itís 249,209,300 km or 1.664 861
    Astronomical Units. If you meant
    the aphelion, of course.
    Nice exchange.

    Mike and Danny walk up to him. He is smiling, looks maybe 60,
    70. But he smells maybe 90, 100. Danny grimaces.
    lol

    The hobo doesnít answer but he starts to whistle. An
    unusual melody with medieval tonality. The young men
    exchange baffled looks. Mike is about to take a photo of
    the peculiar stranger when the old man GRABS the phone and,
    with remarkable speed, disappears into the forest. Danny
    laughs out loud.
    very creepy...then lol

    MIKE
    No, no. Itís okay. Heís harmless.
    Heís probably deranged or
    something. Do you have your
    phone?
    (Danny looks quizzical)
    Listen, go back and keep calling
    my number so I will hear him.
    Great gag! very creative.

    They are locked together in a fight to the death. Mike can
    get hold of a ROCK and SLAMS it against the hoboís temple.
    The man lands face down like a brick. The phone is still
    ringing. Mike picks it up slowly, his mind racing.
    Man...I was really hoping this was a really strange, really elaborate Verizon Wireless ad and we would just cut to the chipmunk looking "can you hear me now?" guy. Oh well.

    Mike hesitates. From the shadows of a bush the hobo is
    staring him in the eyes. SHATTERING BOTTLES.
    I'm confused at the shattering bottle line. I'm assuming one of his friends broke a bottle off screen and woke him from the hallucination but I think this could be made more clear.

    Mike looks around. Some of the tents are torn up, the fabric
    waving in the breeze. They are alone. Mike helps his blind
    friend up and together they sneak towards...
    Where is Sophie? I assumed she would have been with him in the tent. Maybe a short line with Mike waking up and realizing she isn't laying next to him anymore?

    BLARING CAR ALARM. The monster looks up from its meal and
    turns its agile head 180 degrees.

    INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS
    Mike turns the alarm off and tries desperately to hot-wire
    the car.
    Nice little pace-quickener there. If filmed right, this would get a big jump out of the audience.

    On a more technical note, very few alarm systems have accessible under-dash wires to cut. They're almost always accessed in the engine bay...not that it matters for a horror movie, just FYI

    The hobo appears in the rearview mirror and starts whistling
    his melody. A panicked Mike SLAMS ON THE GAS and we hear
    Sophieís HARROWING SCREAM as the wheels roll over her body.
    Awesome.

    MIKE
    Okay, it took your eyes. You are
    in a pretty shi*ty condition. But
    seriously, shut the poo poo up.
    Great line.

    You introduce someone called "Little guy" and then proceed to call him "actor".

    Blood runs upwards over Mikeís
    forehead. He SCREAMS, everything spirals. He is trapped
    upside down in a WHITE COCOON hanging from the top of
    Awesome detail.

    I loved the ending. Way to end big. Great twist reminiscent of "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge".

    I also loved the monster. My favorite so far. The fact that he's actually scary is a little bit refreshing. Most of the other monsters have been comedic.

    What I didn't like is the whole NASA thing as the protagonist's defining character trait. That didn't seem to relate to anything and was completely out of step with everything else in the story. In stories, especially short form stories, especially especially in short form screenplays which are by their very nature already something of a short form...everything should be interrelated. there should be invisible strings attaching all the characters and situations together into what eventually becomes a cohesive whole. Your protagonist's inner conflict at leaving his friends to go possibly be an astronaut has exactly nothing to do with the central conflict of the hobo demon eye sucker. It feels like you've sandwiched two separate stories together. This is a problem (IMO...) that a lot of the other entries had, their characters and the central conflict seemed to have been randomly assembled.

    I love your monster, I love the tone and a lot of the gags, and the ending. The only thing that needs work in my opinion is the protagonist.


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    #12
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    Technical - get rid of summer on the masterslugline and show us in the description that it's summer.

    If you are going to start with a CLOSE UP, then remember you also have to 'pull back' so that we can see the man. There has to be a smoother transition, also, place the close up on a line by itself.

    What does a Tibetan Monk sit like compared to Hindu or Buddist?

    Next masterslugline take out "the" unnecessary.

    Keep your action paragraphs to 4 lines.

    ... with a CRACK... just state they broke the tent.

    What is 'facepalms?"

    You've introduced Pudgy Girl so you have to keep her name in Caps like this since that's her character's name.

    How does a person 'smell' a certain age?

    Your setting is camp, but you failed to describe the place setting - it could be at a city park, national forest, downtown greenbelt - don't take your settings for granted because you minisluged to a FOREST but you never stated where your camp was located.

    Ring tone - what type of ring tone? Just state the cellphone rings.

    ...Mike can get hold of a rock... just state - Mike grabs a rock, use strong verbs.

    After having possibly just 'killed' someone, especially something that looks nonhuman, why doesn't Mike freak out on the phone. Every single one of us would.

    The camp feels like a bunch of drunken hippies, hopefully that was your goal.

    When you use passage of time, no matter how much, simply state

    LATER

    and that's all you need. After that you insert the same masterslug "CAMP" we're still there, so no need to use it again until you change locations.

    Narrow Road minislug would work better if I knew where the camp was so that I could see it's not far away. If it's a far distance, you need to use EXT. transition.

    You described the man in the beginning as a Hobo not a Hobo Monster, so keep it consistent, the Hobo.

    Again, your action paragraphs are clunky. When you want to emphasis a sound that's important, give it a line unto itself. It draws the reader in.

    ...the scene freezes and we zoom.... - this is camera direction. You take out the story when you do this, instead, say something like:

    Time stands still as we see

    MIKE'S FACE

    stunned by the face of death.

    This will give you the punch you need.

    Get rid of "A" "The" in your minisluglines.

    How did you get from the location 'empty hallway' to 'dark cave?' Unless the cave is in the building, it has to be INT. transition.

    Instead of telling me it's autum show me by the leaves turning color.

    I found the story 'clunky' and generic in so many parts. I see where you are going with this, but it wasn't enough to have that uniqueness of a monster story. Things didn't make sense. If you are in trouble, you tell people.

    You race to camp and hysteria ensues. That part just wasn't believable.

    Good effort.
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
    Portfolio of an Entertainment Blogger


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    #13
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charli View Post
    ...the scene freezes and we zoom.... - this is camera direction. You take out the story when you do this...
    Not that I'm disagreeing with you but A LOT of people say the exact same thing about the phrase "we see" and your entry had more instances of this phrase than every other script in this contest...combined.


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    #14
    Member mookid's Avatar
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    What is 'facepalms'
    this:


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    #15
    Member mookid's Avatar
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    I wrote "almost inhuman", not "inhuman".

    btw: I just rewrote the script to make it more realistic.
    EXT. CAMP - EVENING
    A pale Mike steps out of the forest.

    MIKE
    Hey listen up, the hobo who stole my phone -- I think I killed him. Too bad there were no other witnesses so my 'self-defense' plea will be kinda weak. But I called the police anyway, they will be here any minute... Danny put your shorts back on.

    DANNY
    Alright, you heard him, party is over guys.

    MIKE
    I want everybody to look serious now, remember if we f*ck this up I can forget my career at NASA.

    DANNY
    You can count on us, man.
    I will expand this short into a court drama.


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    #16
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    Arrow - the interesting point is that I 'never' use the phrase "we see" in a short but found it necessary in this one, quite ironic isn't it?
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
    Portfolio of an Entertainment Blogger


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