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    #11
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmoschner View Post
    Thanks for the feedback.


    Sure you can go with that. I was thinking in terms of he is the monster, the strange freaky creature that disguises itself as a normal person outside its lair.
    Thanks, I will keep my ending.
    But in all seriousness, I would say the end section was a bit confusing.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #12
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    This reminded me of the classic Twilight Zone where the hot blonde is considered ugly by the pig men...

    It was pretty clear to me fairly early on that Jake was going to be the monster in this script, but yet it was still a surprise to find that he's (at least the way I understood it) the lone human hiding out in this neighborhood of "inhuman creatures." Like I said, it's a nice Twilight Zone type touch.

    I think your dialogue could use some punctuation work, mostly commas in lines like "Ah, good to see you awake" on page 1 or "You know, you really did a number on my windshield" on page 2, just to hit a couple. Also, you mention right at the end of page 2 that "greenish liquid" is oozing from the creature's wounds; I like that, but then on page 3 you just say that "blood" is leaking from the wounds. I presume that the greenish liquid is the creature's blood, but I would have liked to have seen them specifically tied together.

    All in all, though, the script works.
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    #13
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    Thank you for the feedback Captain Pierce. The comma thing is one I've wondered about. Should I use punctuation as is grammatically correct or use commas and periods to indicate the pauses and stops within the dialogue? I've heard different things from different people in the industry.


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    #14
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    I think most people here are going to tell you that you should be writing your dialogue grammatically correct, as trying to do too much with pauses, dialect, etc, is going to be seen as directing on the page. Or even acting on the page.
    The Plinkett Equation:

    TOS16 + TNG5 + DS94 + VOY11 + ENT 8
    __________________________________________________ = History is changing every 23 millionths of a second

    F649 + Alp987 + Bet934 + Gam764 + Del837 * 100,000,000,000


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    #15
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    Technical - ... houses are dark... does this mean they are darkly painted or does this mean the street is dimly lit?

    All Cap - in human creature. Since you named it inhuman creature, the me to stay consistent so that every time you talk about it it's not the creature but the inhuman creature.

    Instead of fade to darkness just fade to black but actually I don't see the need for it.

    ...darkness paints the interior.... - trying too hard, keep it simple.

    What would you describe is primal sounds?

    You forgot to introduce JAKE in all caps, who he is and why should we care.

    Try to keep your action paragraphs to 4 lines.

    ...creature afraid of Jake, snarls with hate and fear... Show me don't tell me.

    Why is ooze always green? Maybe I want to see some purple, or bright neon pink, I'm just saying.

    When you break up dialogue and ended with ... be sure to start the next set up dialogue with ... to show continuation of speech.

    Content - you deftly get a feel that the monsters not the creature but the man which is an excellent job in having us empathize with the monster. I do not like all of the dialogue I think in some ways it's a bit flippant when it can be more witty and more to the point.

    Good job.
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    #16
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    You sure as hell are successful in making Jake a monster of the worst kind. This naturally creates some sympathizing with the other fellow. Still I think the victim could have used some more information for us. The character now feels more as a tool.

    The torture seemed pretty painful and cruel so that pretty much worked like it should.

    Some parts of the dialog could be better. Got a good sense of the style of dialog for the Jake character though which I liked.

    I was a bit confused by the last part. Didn't really know what to make of it.

    Overall it felt to me a bit too much centered on the cruel torture stuff. As a result I didn't really enjoy continue reading it after a couple of pages in and evil Jake being the only character to really leave a mark on the script didn't help with that.

    I think the best improvement would be creating a better balance between the torture stuff and the rest.
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    Not with a bang but a whimper


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