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    #11
    Senior Member Captain Pierce's Avatar
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    I mentioned a soundtrack in another review tonight, so I guess I have music on the brain, and so I have to start with:

    Quote Originally Posted by The Police
    Many miles away, there's a shadow on the door, of a cottage on the shore, of a dark, Scottish laaaaaaaaaaake
    But, of course, in this case, the shadow on the door is Captain Ahab's reality TV crew. I'm guessing the cameraman is named Queequeg? Or should I just call him Ishmael? Six scripts in, and I've already gone from Sophocles to Melville... (Well, and technically from Melville all the way to Jackass, if I can read perhaps too much into the Steve-O reference...)

    I just went all Grammar and Formatting Police in the "Mercy" thread, so I won't do it here, but there were some issues. And the first time you went to "LOCHIE'S POV" I really didn't know what that meant; yeah, I had a pretty good guess, and it turned out to be right, but I think as a script it would work better if you just went to a generic underwater shot that showed the same thing rather than giving us the POV of a character we haven't even heard of by name yet.
    The Plinkett Equation:

    TOS16 + TNG5 + DS94 + VOY11 + ENT 8
    __________________________________________________ = History is changing every 23 millionths of a second

    F649 + Alp987 + Bet934 + Gam764 + Del837 * 100,000,000,000


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    #12
    Senior Member Tim Joy's Avatar
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    Shut your porthole!
    HA! Loved that line.

    Otherwise, it would be pretty funny, if in the right hands, but it was a little too outrageous for me to latch on to. I didn't quite know what to think. Maybe I'm not in the right mood for something so zany, or perhaps I need to read it again. It was well written and had just the right amount of descriptions. I like that you get right to the point at the top. Nice job.


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    #13
    cool little "title" Charli's Avatar
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    Technical - start with fade in and never put the title of the script or your name on the first page of the script, that just goes on the cover page.

    When introducing the character just make it clear who he is, what is the point of putting (Mr. Spelkick) in parentheses?

    All Cap important props such as the ice cream and the remote-control.

    Instead of / marks in your dialogue you should use ... to symbolize a pause.

    You have three children and you're identifying them as number one, number two, number three - which makes it very impersonal.

    ... pulled him into the water...

    When changing locations especially from land to water I would do as such:

    IN THE LAKE

    instead of using a point of view which got confusing.

    On his computer is he reading an article about the Loch Ness monster? It's not clear.

    Delusional channel - love it.

    ...the kids see no evil... - I imagine that they are posing in these positions? You need to state that.


    Content - I did not get a clear direct view who was Steve was and why he was the main focus of the story. I also did not like that the kids were not characterized by their features or their mannerisms other than child 1, 2 and 3.

    The UFO was unexpected but cannot be considered a monster story since all you showed was the vehicle and not the aliens.

    Interesting take.
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
    Portfolio of an Entertainment Blogger


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