Put a message to Isaac on the viewing page, hopefully they can fix it.
Thread: The Things I See
Results 11 to 20 of 58
09-14-2009 06:22 PM
09-14-2009 06:23 PM
files can still be reached here
09-14-2009 06:32 PM
Good man/woman, Moonkid. Thanks.
09-15-2009 08:51 AM
- Join Date
- Aug 2007
I loved the visuals of your script. It kept me guessing the entire time and I didn't see the ending coming. Your script reminded me a bit of Nightwatch and I pictured the battle scenes with a lot of slow motion. This would be a visual treat to see shot.
09-15-2009 05:28 PM
Loved it. The end was nice instead of cliche. I first was thinking Night Watch/Day Watch. But it was more primordial. Once the end started I was rooting for the Earth to be spared. I mean if humans are so bad why wouldn't the dark want them to stay around? Great Job!
09-15-2009 05:43 PM
09-15-2009 11:49 PM
Little nitpicks on technical aspects aside (like first introductions of Character being in All CAPS), I liked it. As a visual script this has a great use of language to help the reader paint a scene. With every new paragraph, I got so much detail and insight into scenes and characters. Everything feels well planned out and choreographed, even little details like the symmetry (or lack thereof) of the Light/Dark beings.
At first I thought the voice over would slow things down but it feels more subtle, calming compared to the raging battle taking place. Its quite good and I really liked the ending.
09-16-2009 04:05 AM
Do you plan to expand on this? If not I would. It reads more like a killer intro to a movie than a standalone short.
I would cut down on the descriptions. Tighten them up to use less words. Show more white space on the page as they say (if developing further). Also cut up shots into individual paragraphs of their own. If nothing else it eases the read, but will expand on the page length. The opening scene is a good example. Very descriptive and visual. But you take half a page to explain the character and surroundings.
Also would look at the character intros - capitalize the names on first use
I would drop the line at the end "Here’s to third time lucky!" It read like serious dark piece up to this. Just felt the line didn't fit the tone. I would use :
But the Earth lives on... as she has done so many times before.....
Great writing overall and good story. Thanks.
09-16-2009 05:20 AM
Thanks guys. You know, I have seen other scripts with capitals on the names in first use, I know I should do it, but for some reason I havn't taken it on yet... My next script I promise!
Sean, I wasn't a fan of the last line of dialogue either, and I was annoyed I left it in.
Once again guys, thanks for reading and reviewing.