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    #21
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    I liked the 'third time lucky' line. I would've went with the more traditional 'third times a charm' though.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    #22
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Thanks Chris


    Marshall Dean

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    #23
    Member mookid's Avatar
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    Like somebody else has said the scenario is interesting and it could be part of a bigger story. Maxwell is a mysterious protagonist and this could be the final moment of his movie.

    Remarks about technical details: some of the descriptions felt static compared to the action. For example

    It struggles to lift its sword up in defense. The Dark closes on the Light,...
    Suppose a radio commentator is reporting LIVE about this fight. Would he talk like that? The second half of the sentence feels detached. You are describing the creature's intent and not what is going on. I would choose more direct description.
    It struggles with the weight of the sword, defenseless. The Dark closes in.
    Similar abstract description in:
    All around the perimeter of the roof, light and black marks
    materialize, to watch the conclusion of the battle.
    You and the reader know their intent but how would the audience understand them through visual clues?


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    #24
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Thanks for the tips Moonkid and thanks for reading.


    Marshall Dean

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    #25
    Senior Member Tim Joy's Avatar
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    Wow. High concept. Very creative.

    I had a hard time getting into it, maybe because the descriptions are too much and don't flow well, especially the opening description. The VO is too on-the-nose for me. I think there's a better way to say, 'My name is X and this is who I am...' than the way he does.

    One other thing that I personally have a hard time with is typos. There's quite a few, and one in the first scene heading. Maybe I'm just an anal prick, but when I see that right off the bat it reads as totally amateur. Sorry for being harsh.

    I think you have something with the concept. Loved the ending too. Keep writing!


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    #26
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    It seemed like the framework for a good summer action/horror movie. It had kind of a Catholic meets Cthulhu feel, strange combo yes but it worked here. Perhaps could have explained Max's powers a bit more or a bit of background for him and the others like him among the action. Felt like it needed more pages, and that is rare for me to say as usually i read stuff and want to trim things down like drunken gardener with weed wacker.


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    #27
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tim Joy View Post
    Wow. High concept. Very creative.

    I had a hard time getting into it, maybe because the descriptions are too much and don't flow well, especially the opening description. The VO is too on-the-nose for me. I think there's a better way to say, 'My name is X and this is who I am...' than the way he does.

    One other thing that I personally have a hard time with is typos. There's quite a few, and one in the first scene heading. Maybe I'm just an anal prick, but when I see that right off the bat it reads as totally amateur. Sorry for being harsh.

    I think you have something with the concept. Loved the ending too. Keep writing!
    What are you trying to say Tim, that a Penthouse can't wear a suit!?!?!?!?

    Yes, I agree you are being anal. I try not to let typos in anyone's script spoil my enjoyment of it, especially in these Fest's. Oh, and I am an amateur.

    Thanks for reading and commenting though.


    Marshall Dean

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    #28
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Thanks for reading and reviewing JM.


    Marshall Dean

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    #29
    Member mookid's Avatar
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    I thought about the voice overs as well. Maxwell doesnt really have a reason to talk to the audience like that. It's not a real confession and he isn't depressed like for example the dude in Nest Runners. But you could give him a motivation:

    you could put a second hidden person in a corner of the room. It would appear as if Maxwell talks to himself but halfway through it turns out he talked to this person.
    And then maybe make this person totally oblivious to the battle, doesnt notice when the sword stabs through the ceiling. He or she worries about the rocket launches instead, makes jokes about Maxwells "visions".

    When the battle ends Maxwell's tells him it's over and the person is like "how do you know"... and then Maxwell's prophecy comes true, the nukes fail and the person just stands there, realizing that Maxwell didn't joke around or something like that.


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    #30
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Not a bad idea Moonkid, and if I did develop it further I might go that way.

    But for this short, Maxwell is speaking to the audience, to anyone. He knows what could happen at the end of this battle, he holds all the knowledge whether he likes it or not, and he just needs to get it off his chest before the human race, and his life, ends. As simple as that. That is his reason, and it is a kind of confession.
    With more time, then maybe he could have a larger in your face motive, maybe he is speaking to a reporter, or family member, but this will do for a 6 page short.

    Thanks for your comments.


    Marshall Dean

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