“Gunplay” – I have been inspired.

[jamiejay]

As for the gun set down I have to live with that as I haven't figured out how to actually disguise that. (any ideas?)

Thanks - I appreciate the time taken to read a non-entry and then give feedback.

i will put thought into the gun set down.... right now i'm thinking just changing the title would be sufficient

anytime... i was happy to do it. the only reason i wanted to wait was in case the deadline snuck up on me... then i would have felt bad for reading yours before a script i was supposed to be voting on.

[lawriejaffa]

Hey there!

Right well here is my feedback as promised (and as usual I kind of meander into discusison and comparison!)

First of - and this is ironic (and certainly not personal!) but you will recall how in your feedback for my entry Covenant that you felt it didn't feel like a Western! I commented that in terms of superficiality it was not (ie it was not in the wild west desert for example) but in terms of story and structure it was - just as Yojimbo by Akira Kurosawa is concievably a western.

Obviously you feel you have written a Western here - exactly because the visual ingredients of a farmstead, a desert plain and cowboy hats and pistols are all featured. But this is really a domestic drama - where if it was not for the cowboy show on television - has not even a simplistic visual connection.

Its worth remembering that what makes a story for any genre is not how it looks - but how it feels so you may have got that one the wrong way around imo.

Now that said this is still an interesting story but as a Western genre fan I'd be scratching my head (where i wouldnt with a whole variety of other internationally set westerns cos of shared themes, genre structures.)

Right, essentially two boys fall out - and in a way the film plays primarily as a warning for unattended firearms. I think thats noble - nothing wrong with a message (my god just imagine how many scripts could benefit from having an actual point!) I think this one plays a little too obviously though - like a government informational!

The characters we simply observe - almost like a documentary i feel) rather than us becoming connected to any emotionally. Likewise we don't have much charisma - or rooting for any of these.

Now that is not unlike that great film in Lossfest shot in Argentina set in New Year's Eve (anyone recall the name) you should definately check that out as it excels in this type of story.

The writing style was 'easy' to read but terse and i found that a little too blunt. I'm not expecting reels of prose obviously but you can still fit a little poetry, and its good to avoid starting to many sentences with 'he.'

He bought a sandwich. He likes the sandwitch. He drops the sandwich. Thats a ridiculous exaggeration obviously but you get the drift.

The two endings i think is a bit of a cop out too - pick one - your the boss :P

//

This is your first script and its a good decent and worthy attempt, and I would follow Blaine's advice (he's got a bigger brain than me hehe) and grab some Syd Field! (Hell i am!) good luck!

//

As a suggestion i think narratively we could ditch the multiple characters and really just focus on the child himself - the bullied child perhaps as a sympathetic character. So that we can better appreciate one - the need for such children who suffer / to get help, the right parental attention. That would establish an emotional connection that would allow you to create a 'tragic' moment when the kid unexpectedly finds himself access to a firearm (of which its true consequences go far beyond his childish mind!)

[jamiejay]

Now that is not unlike that great film in Lossfest shot in Argentina set in New Year's Eve (anyone recall the name) you should definately check that out as it excels in this type of story.

it was called ano perdido (lost year)... i remember because it was one of my very favorites ;)

[leepback]

it was called ano perdido (lost year)... i remember because it was one of my very favorites ;)

Thanks I had a look and enjoyed it.
Took me a while to work out it was two families. Wasn't totally awake.

You did pretty well in the voting - congrats

[leepback]

You have done a great job with pacing. The essence of the Western is the pacing. You also used two props very effectively and I loved it.

The TV was used to full potential, it foreshadows, engages the audience and plays a role in the plot.

I wanted to use the TV as a visual prop. Not being a dialogue centric script it needed something visual.

I would have loved to hear the commentary from the Cricket match and you could use what is being broadcast to juxtapose the Farmer missing his shot. "The bowler appeals for an lbw! The umpire says not out." You know, something like that.

Great idea and I think I might borrow it. I was thinking that the bowler was going for a hat trick, big build up (as farmer aims) but he bowls a terrible wide.

A few things to work on, would be your descriptions of actions.

I rushed in a bit. My first script and did it fairly quickly without reading a lot of the others to see how it's done. A lot of it guesswork so I agree it's a tad rough.

Next time, and I reckon I will have another go, I will look into this aspect a lot more.

Also, the kids protesting would work better if we hear the dialog instead of the description.

all good ideas I will look into.

I like your style and since you've read "The Patch-up Kid" you know which ending I prefer.

Thanks for your comments on that one.

No prob - had you in my top 3 as did many others so it seems - congrats

Hope you can enter future contests. Try working on suggestions for this one and enter it for other short script contests outside of DVXuser.

I've seen "movie poet" but are there others out there this would be suitable for?

Rustom - Thanks very much for this review. It's very perceptive and great critical feedback. The suggestions are all well thought out and constructive. Hope to see you in the next Fest.

[jamiejay]

Thanks I had a look and enjoyed it.
Took me a while to work out it was two families. Wasn't totally awake.

You did pretty well in the voting - congrats

thanks

[leepback]

First of - and this is ironic (and certainly not personal!) but you will recall how in your feedback for my entry Covenant that you felt it didn't feel like a Western! I commented that in terms of superficiality it was not (ie it was not in the wild west desert for example) but in terms of story and structure it was - just as Yojimbo by Akira Kurosawa is concievably a western.

obviously with your forth placing nobody really agreed with me - congrats.

Obviously you feel you have written a Western here - exactly because the visual ingredients of a farmstead, a desert plain and cowboy hats and pistols are all featured. But this is really a domestic drama - where if it was not for the cowboy show on television - has not even a simplistic visual connection.

I still think it has a western flavour but since it wasn't in the competition outright it's probably a moot point.

I think this one plays a little too obviously though - like a government informational!

That's hilariously perceptive. Have you been researching me? Have you seen my "I fish and I vote" or even "Guitar Hero" films? I'm a one trick pony and I'm a "grumpy old man". You know, the Bob Geldoff, Rick Wakeman type that is cranky with everybody. I like to have a go at people in a sort of offhand way. Just wait until you get to my age sonny.

The characters we simply observe - almost like a documentary i feel) rather than us becoming connected to any emotionally. Likewise we don't have much charisma - or rooting for any of these.

This comes down to my lack of writing experience, skills and even time put into it. I may also be emotionally lacking myself. Hopefully with these sorts of constructive critques I can improve.

This is your first script and its a good decent and worthy attempt...

Thanks man, I was just so enthused after reading a couple I found here that I just threw my hat into the ring (a tad late though). I't been brilliant to get feedback from the likes of you and I very much appreciate the effort and time you have taken to do so.

Some of you write better reviews than I write scripts...amazing.

Hope to catch you around at the next fest. I'm off to catch a plane to Tasmania and my wife is asking me to sign off.

Cheers