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    #11
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    Hey just read "Daydream Sheriff" by Joe Belzberg and realise that one of my important elements also features in his script.......a TV.

    It is an unusual object to feature in a western so I hope nobody thinks I "borrowed" this idea.

    Actually the stories are so dissimilar I don't think anybody but me would worry about it.
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
    WESTFEST (non-entry)


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    #12
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    Real clean and crisp writing.
    I think it's workmanlike. Words do not come easily to me so I try and keep it simple. Luckily the only dialogue here is between a mother and two young sons and also between the two kids themselves so it's not too great a task. In the future if I come up with any good filmic ideas I would seriously have to consider collaboration with a writer of dialogue.

    It could be set in any Western location.
    Yes it could but then what animal would the farmer shoot at if it wasn't Kangaroos?
    Maybe a snake? I needed him to shoot and reload so that we knew the gun was ready to fire.

    It would have been a real nice depressing piece, but you pulled your punch. It was still enjoyable.
    So I take it you preferred Ending1.

    You do need to work on your formatting.
    You got me there! This is my first written script.

    My other "films" were all originally done for 24 hour in-camera edited film competitions, none of which used dialogue because it is such a demanding thing to do under these conditions that we didn't even try.

    No scripts were made only very basic storyboards that we might or might not follow on the day.

    Actually doing this "pretend" Westfest script has made me aware of how actually having to write down a script, even one with little dialogue, helps to shape the film you want to make.

    I did download CELTEX but I didn't have time for the learning curve and just winged it.
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
    WESTFEST (non-entry)


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    #13
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I was quite entertained by this script. Aside from a few formatting errors, I thought it was written quite well. Good, concise descriptions.
    I know you said you hadn't really written dialogue before, but the dialogue in this piece sounded natural to me.

    I prefer ending number two (yep, one of those darn americans). I am generally fine with an open ending as long as it fits the film. I'm not sure what tone you intended for this script, but it felt like a Family film to me and the open ending , just didn't seem right for me.

    I think the second ending even though it wraps it up more neatly is a little more unexpected.
    1. because its a short film and they (almost) always seem to end on a depressing note.
    2. when he sees the gun, you assume he's going to kill his brother
    3. even though its an open ending, I would lay good odds, just about everyone assumes he killed his brother. When the parents run outside there can be that extra created suspense, is he alive or dead? Given the tone of the script (as I read it) it just feels right with the second ending.

    Anyway thats my two cents on the ending That said, this was a good story, it was paced well. A quick read for me, which is a good thing! Nice work!

    Look forward to seeing you in the next scriptfest
    Last edited by Russell Moore; 03-31-2009 at 09:20 AM.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

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    #14
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Leep, I've just read your script.

    I can't really add any more, and that says a lot for your script.

    It is a nice little story which is well written. Your family characters are well constructed. I don't think there is a problem with it having Kangeroos, as not all westerns have to be set in America.

    The ending could go either way for me. I do prefer a more depressing ending, but I also understand what Colan says and he is right a nice ending is a little unexpected these days.

    Overall, a very good read mate. Shame you didn't get it in in time. Well done though.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #15
    Mr. Hollywood Blaine's Avatar
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    I thought you did a nice job on this. Simple straight forward story. Terse writing style. I think you'd do well to get a entry level book on screenwriting...something that explains the formatting and structure. Also, it would be a lot easier for you to write if you don't have to worry about the formatting as you go. Download Celtx here and learn to use it. If you want to spend some money, get Final Draft or MM Screenwriter. But I wouldn't bother right now. Hell, when I started writing scripts the late 80s I used MS Word with a bunch of macros.

    I think either ending is okay and actually have no preference, unless you're trying to make a point about leaving loaded weapons around where kids can get to them, then the first ending is definitely the one to use.
    Last edited by Blaine; 03-31-2009 at 01:41 PM.


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    #16
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    i will happily read and review your script...

    but, i have to finish the others first before the deadline... it's taking me longer than i thought it would because i have been so busy.

    soon though... ;)

    jamie
    Script Fest IV: Go West
    Script Fest III:
    Valor

    Script Fest II: Entitled




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    #17
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by conlanforever View Post
    I was quite entertained by this script.
    Pleased you enjoyed it. Always hard to guage what others may think before you put any sort of artistic work out there.

    I prefer ending number two (yep, one of those darn americans)
    I'm now swinging (no pun intended) between the two endings. The best thing is that it would be easy to shoot for the second longer ending and then edit it both ways without too much more effort.


    Look forward to seeing you in the next scriptfest
    I think I might just have a go at it. I like deadlines, it's the only time I ever get of my butt and do something.

    BTW - I haven't read yours yet as I'm only half way through them all.
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
    WESTFEST (non-entry)


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    #18
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarkElastic View Post
    Overall, a very good read mate. Shame you didn't get it in in time. Well done though.
    Thanks for the feedback. As said above, even I'm not sure about the ending and which way to go. I didn't get it in on time because I came across it too late, but thought I'd have a shot at it anyway as a learning experience. I'm pleased I did as this sort of feedback is difficult to obtain from friends and family.

    Yours is another that I haven't managed to read yet, but will soon.
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
    WESTFEST (non-entry)


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    #19
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jamiejay View Post
    i will happily read and review your script...

    but, i have to finish the others first before the deadline... it's taking me longer than i thought it would because i have been so busy.

    soon though... ;)

    jamie
    there are a lot and I haven't gotten around to reading yours either yet.

    funny thing was I noticed when I printed yours it was in reverse text. I thought it must be something with the title "Go West" which the writing on the page appeared to do.

    I figure my printer had a problem so I'll either have to print it out again or find a mirror.

    (just printed it and it's OK now)
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
    WESTFEST (non-entry)


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    #20
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blaine View Post
    I thought you did a nice job on this. Simple straight forward story. Terse writing style.
    Thanks Blaine, I'm pleased most people enjoyed it and it wasn't considered too crappy.

    I think you'd do well to get a entry level book on screenwriting...something that explains the formatting and structure.
    You're right on there. Only had other peoples submissions as examples and winged it.

    Download Celtx here and learn to use it.
    I did download it but had trouble learning it quickly enought to get it done in time for it to still have a little currnecy in relation to this competition.

    unless you're trying to make a point about leaving loaded weapons around where kids can get to them
    This was my point entirely. It's a bit sneaky preachy. I don't like guns at all and thought it would be interesting to have an anti-gun western. Probably considered blasphemy by many. I also managed to make a statement on the impact of television on children but this was merely an accident as I wanted to have the juxtaposition (if that's the right word) of the black and white and colour scenes as a visual element.

    Once again thanks for reading and reviewing.
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
    WESTFEST (non-entry)


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