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    Going Home
    #1
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    Ha-ha! I forgot what I used as my logline...

    I will have to update this later.


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    #2
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Welcome to the fest! If there ever is a fest.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #3
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    hey, bridget! so glad you made it! looking forward to reading your script!

    jamie



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    Senior Member RodThompson's Avatar
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    Hey, you made it just in time. There about to open the read page next week! Lol


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    #5
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    so i just got a chance to sit and read your script was my first one

    SPOILER ALERT



    i love the idea of a traveling brothel of murderous sisters out for revenge! that's awesome.

    the opening scene was my favorite. it was perfect. your description was very visual and i could imagine how it would look on the big screen.

    nice work!


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    Senior Member lawriejaffa's Avatar
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    What Bodice ripping action that was! So Bridget im presuming your a lady yourself - and if so theres certainly enough girl power in this script to make me behave!

    So an excellent start - and a brilliant premise that works with a delicious vein of dark humour which I think worked well.

    The characters of the girls were perhaps a little similar - and i think that there were so many made it harder for any one to stand out. Though this would not be the issue here if this was written into a feature which I have a sneaking suspicion you may be considering (are you!? hehe) as the concept is good, and the writing lends itself to looking a little like a smaller piece of the bigger puzzle. In anycase id encourage you too!

    There isn't much to add - its so generally pleasing, i would simply consider that if this is intended as a short (of this length) that cutting down on your girls may be an idea, and a stronger rational for their revenge motiff be put out and clarified for us. As part of a feature its fine as is imo more or less!
    Feature: LORD OF TEARS - A New Legend in Horror - Pre-Order Now http://www.lordoftears.com/


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    #7
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Bridget, thanks for the read I enjoyed it.

    As stated already, the beginning really throws you in there, nice killing - my only question is where did she get the knowledge about which poison simulates heart attacks???
    I agree with Lawrie when he says it fits as a feature, as there is a lot not explained and only touched over. There is a lot of characters to digest and a lot of story still to be told.
    Some of the dialogue between the sisters needs a little work for me, it isn't bad but it does seem to jar in places.

    I still enjoyed the read though, but do think you should explore the possibility of writing it into a feature. Well done.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    Hi there! Thought your script was very well written AND good move bringing in the girls as main characters - proving it can be done in a western setting... yeeha... Okay, I notice a couple of comments re. your script making a good feature... yep... and that would allow us to get to know ALL the girls better - OR - keep script short film and adjust to tell the story through Delilah and say... Peggy without lotsa other named characters bogging up a nicely moving plot???


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    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I liked this a lot, really a lot of fun to read.

    The opening scene was very good and unexpected. Good descriptive writing throughout.

    The dialogue was a little uneven.

    Really like this line.

    DELILAH
    Georgine, thatís our house youíre
    destroying! Aim a little better!


    But felt this was not needed.

    GEORGINE
    (Standing in the doorway of
    the cabin)
    Good shot. Terrance is dead.

    The climax(the actual killing of Terrance) was a little abrupt for me, I don't know, maybe I just wanted Terrance to suffer a little bit more. But I really liked that he was killed by their Father's gun.

    Overall I thought this was well done and entertaining!

    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #10
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    Thanks for the comments!

    Jamiejay - I 'm glad you liked the idea of the script - I thought it was an interesting concept. I just wish I could have gotten a little more of the previous murderous action in.

    Lawriejaffa - I agree my characters are similar and yes, there are too many of them for this short. I did think about cutting one of them, but since I am a girl and all about girl power, I just could not bear it.

    DarkElastic - Good question - where does she get the knowledge about the poison? My answer - she is a smart, resourceful girl and where there's a will, there's a way? Okay, lame. She dated a pharmacist? Okay, even worse. I don't know...yet.

    NJPage - I do agree again - too many characters for a short. I also agree I should've gotten rid of Kate and Claire. Kate is the youngest and Claire is too motherly. But Georgine, I like her. It would be hard making her disappear.

    Conlanforever - I think you are also right about the dialogue being uneven and the death of Terrance too abrupt. I have difficulty writing endings and I was writing this pretty late at night (before it was due) so I didn't have time to clean it up. Apologies. I am STILL a procrastinator.


    Again - thanks for all the feedback!!


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