Thread: Going Home

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    #11
    Member xxrotinivol2's Avatar
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    Great concept, fun read, needs a bit more character development and fleshing out of story.

    The first scene, the turn—how Mr. Tyler/Mr. Carroll goes from abuser to abusee—is a nice one and a great scene. However, the main problem, thematically, for me was that the first chunk (Delilah-Man-Doctor) and the second chunk (Delilah-Georgine-Claire) seemed to have little connection in terms of the motive/title of "Going Home"/starting a new brothel. I enjoyed reading it and the concept of the outlaw brothel, but for my focus, I'd like to see what you would do with one main story over 10 pages, with fully-fleshed out with more developed character and motive.

    Also, this may be just for me, but it’s confusing to introduce someone as “Man” and then change it to “Mr. Tyler.” And then “Mr. Tyler/Mr. Caroll.” Just keep it at Mr. Tyler or leave it ambiguous. Also, I want to know how old he is. Again with names, “Two Women” are introduced, they end up being Claire and Georgine. Same thing, I want to see them visually, set them a part.

    This is a fresh and creative idea.
    Last edited by xxrotinivol2; 03-27-2009 at 12:06 AM.


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    #12
    Senior Member TimCollins's Avatar
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    Pretty shotgun wielding women, nice! Haha, I was hoping to come across a story with tough female leads and you delivered it!

    It was well written and formatted, I didn't notice any problems there.

    The story was good, sisters re-taking their ranch and avenging their parents death - solid.

    I liked how she shot Terrance with the gun through her pocket I was wondering how she was going to get out of that situation. And the poison at the beginning was clever.

    Overall, this was an easy and fun read. Really good work!
    Timothy Collins - Writer/Director - Facebook | YouTube | IMDb | Twitter


    DREAMSPACE (Short Film) - 2nd Place @ 81st annual GCA Film Festival 2012
    Scriptfest IV: "GHOST TOWN"
    - Top 10


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    #13
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    Hi again! Just doing some re-reads - and you are so right about keeping Georgine!
    S..o..r..r..y


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    #14
    Mr. Hollywood Blaine's Avatar
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    Well this was an interesting concept. Made me think of Bad Girls just a bit. I felt like things came a little too easy for the girls, never really having any difficulty overcoming the couple of things put in their way.

    I think you should pick a CHARACTER's name and keep it. No need to change the character (for dialogue purposes) from MAN to MR. TYLER to TYLER to MR. TYLER/MR. CARROLL. I think we could pretty much tell who he was from the dialogue and your Action lines. When you first introduce the two WOMEN at the campfire, you can give us their names and descriptions at that time, rather than capitalizing CLAIRE in Delilah's dialogue. The same would go for TERRANCE later in the story.

    I don't think I'd have your characters say what we can clearly see...
    GEORGINE
    (Standing in the doorway of the cabin)
    Good shot. Terrance is dead.
    I thought there was too much exposition in the dialogue. It sounded unnatural as you laid out the whole story in Delilah and Claire. I also got lost with all the girls. It would have helped if you didn't call the characters GIRL, but used their names. First the young GIRL became PENNY, then back at the camp the GIRL becomes KATE. So if I'm right, there were 5 girls. Delilah, Claire, Georgine, Kate and Penny.

    Anyway, it was nice seeing five girls/women, out for vengeance, fight to right a wrong and get their ranch back.


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    #15
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Ah procrastination, so you wrote yours the night before too huh?

    MAN - TYLER - MR.TYLER - MR.TYLER/MR. CARROLL .... it gets confusing keeping up with a character who's name changes. You do it with the woman and terrence too, we could just introduce characters names and description in the action and then the other facts can be revealed through dialogue and character action. Otherwise it gets confusing.

    Ends sort of abruptly and the dialogues sort of stiff but it was a fun ride, very enjoyable revenge story.


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    #16
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    I loved this one! It reminded me of parts between the Quick and the Dead and Bad Girls. The beginning of this packs a punch and it flows really well from there. The only thing I would suggest is somehow introducing Terrance in there earlier. It will make it even more awesome when he gets what's coming to him in the end. Maybe there's a clever flashback type of way you can use to sort of show what these bad guys did to the girls but I think your dialogue accomplishes that anyway. Great Job!


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    #17
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Female protagonists in a Western have to be extremely convincing to involve the audience and you've done a lovely job with your lead characters.

    I would love to see those huge paragraphs broken up into digestible chunks as it helps to visualize the shots easily if you deliver it in short sentences.

    There is a fair bit of exposition through dialog and that is mainly due to the ten page limit and too many characters for a short. I would've loved a flashback but that means probably younger actors and a larger cast size, therefore more confusion.

    The idea behind preserving the Man/Tyler/Caroll identity is fairly ingenious but your execution leaves a lot of confused people. I'd play that scene out a bit more, let Delilah figure out the clues before moving in for the kill so to speak.

    The pacing in the finale and the dialog is fairly humorous. A good thing. But you don't really need the "Terrance is dead" line.

    This needs some polish. More lean trimmings. Very enjoyable though. Great characters and pacing get the credit, of course wielded by a writer with your talent.

    All the best.

    Thank you for the lovely comments on "The Patch-up Kid"


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