Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 29
  1. Collapse Details
    #11
    Senior Member TimCollins's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Atlanta, GA
    Posts
    267
    Default
    Well I must say this was an enjoyable little fantasy tale you've told here.

    I really like how you structured it as a dream from the beginning rather than going for a "it was all a dream" twist at the end.

    You're writing style was good and easy to follow. Nothing confused me and nothing really took me out of the story.

    I like how, through the dream, he gains confidence to not give up so easily with Kate.

    The only thing was, I would've liked to actually see him really shed the nerdy, wimp persona a little more. He figured out that he could manipulate the dream, which was cool, but I'd like to see him turn gradually from wimp to brave rather than just stoping the bullets and sending them back at Pete. And instead of the other bandits running off, maybe he could take them out systematically looking like an even bigger hero. Just a thought.

    I loved when he discovered he could manipulate the dream and turned himself into the guy from 300 and John McClane. "Yippe-kay-yay motherf*cker" that cracked me up.

    I like how you kept it lighthearted and didn't try to go overly-serious with it.

    All in all, I thought you did a great job. An enjoyable read, sir!
    Last edited by TimCollins; 03-27-2009 at 06:29 PM.
    Timothy Collins - Writer/Director - Facebook | YouTube | IMDb | Twitter


    DREAMSPACE (Short Film) - 2nd Place @ 81st annual GCA Film Festival 2012
    Scriptfest IV: "GHOST TOWN"
    - Top 10


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #12
    Senior Member nouou's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    193
    Default
    just read this script

    what a fun read. i was actually LOLing while reading this.

    this was a really fast read, which i think is really good. the story wasn't confusing at all.

    There is no spoon.
    best line, lmao.

    when Clark first wakes up in his dream, you wrote: CLARK'S POV:. and then there is an entire paragraph following that. from my experience, you should only have what actually happens in Clark's POV after such. After you wrote 'he looks around', i would've started a new paragraph, unless he we see Judy from his POV also, but you get what i mean.


    good job.


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #13
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    West Michigan
    Posts
    727
    Default
    This is a fun , light hearted read. Its written well and easy to follow.
    I liked your main character. I do agree a little more conflict after he arrives would be nice and the gunfight while I did enjoy it, ended a bit abruptly. I like the idea of him also dealing with the other bad guys, but in some creative fun way.

    Him as Leonidas, very funny.

    I liked how it all came full circle and he calls Kate back with new found confidence.
    Entertaining script. Well done!
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #14
    Member xxrotinivol2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    93
    Default
    Engrossing read, solid vision, needs minor minor tweaks.

    After the dream is fleshed out, I was thinking to myself, "but how is he going to tie the Western into reality and make the two interact with each other?" And sure enough, you did it. I was pleasantly surprised by this Matrix/Back to the Future/High School Rom-Com fusion. It takes a lot of talent to make the "It was just a dream" both work as a plot and as anything satisfying for the audience. So Bravo!

    The dialogue is great too. Some of these lines like ("How can you help me? Dying would be
    a nice start," and "Cant we just work things out? I don’t like fights.") are absolutely priceless. You develop characters through dialogue. I could also see these events unfolding before me, the characters interacting. All of this is very good.

    The parody aspect in the script was good, but for my tastes it could have been used more creatively, and it's really piled on at the end, and it's pretty absent at the beginning. I'd like a bit more consistency in the use of parody in the whole script. It would not just be an original Western, but an original parody, b/c I've never heard of a "It was just a dream," parodies in my life.

    When he thinks he's trapped in a dream, that monologue on pgs. 5-6 really could be more of a terrifying, hair-raising moment. I felt like it left me off the hook to early--I'd like to feel like for a longer moment: maybe he is stuck here, maybe this isn't just a dream, maybe there can be clues that he was actually put here: Bill and Ted's phone booth? Then BAM! Something tips him off, wait this is a dream. Go to Sparta and the hilarity that ensues. Extend that part more and include some more visuals, do more showing than telling in your writing in that part to expand that moment.

    Thanks for submitting. It was different in a good way.


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #15
    Mr. Hollywood Blaine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    9,959
    Default
    As this opened up I had no idea where you were going to take it. THEN, with the TV it turned western. Okay, that's something no one else did. As a comedy, I'm afraid it didn't really deliver the laughs for me, more the occasional smile.

    I liked that he stayed in character, even in his dream. I thought the entire talking to himself was a bit on the nose, though.

    The dialogue is a little hard to critique because it is a dream and anything can happen in a dream so I just went with it.

    I didn't find his new found assertiveness at the end to be realistic, though. Just a little too quick and easy for my taste.

    If you're going to give CLARK'S POV, you have to bring us out of it and BACK TO SCENE so we don't continue to read, thinking we are still in his POV.

    Thanks for sharing.


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #16
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    359
    Default
    this script was lighthearted and entertaining.

    i like that it's not a typical western and it's not a typical dream sequence. you had some funny situations here and there. his changing into other characters was great and the reference from the matrix did make me laugh.

    the only nitpick i have is when the character talks to himself. maybe his talking to a dog or a cat while watching tv would have worked... it definitely would have added to his nerdy character. ;)

    nice work.
    Script Fest IV: Go West
    Script Fest III:
    Valor

    Script Fest II: Entitled




    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #17
    Senior Member Tim Joy's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Middlebury, Vermont
    Posts
    1,974
    Default
    I got a kick out of this one. Nice concept and setup. It's a well rounded piece and well written too. I like the tag at the end, and the cat licking, which is a little cliche, but still got a good laugh out of me. With the right actor, I think this would be a great movie.

    I agree that him talking to himself could be a little awkward, and it could either be that kind of "inside the head" voice over, or a good actor could pull it off as written.

    I enjoyed it and it was a nice quick read. It's refreshing to see a comedy in here too.


    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #18
    Senior Member nouou's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    193
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by Blaine View Post
    I thought the entire talking to himself was a bit on the nose, though.
    i forgot to add that to my reply, but i agree w/ you on this.


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #19
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Rhode Island
    Posts
    559
    Default
    This was quaint and funny, but as Lawrie said I think it needs a push in the right direction to really bring out the laughs.

    The talking to himself feels weird, give him something or someone to play off of.

    It ended well too with Kate, how the dream gave him confidence. I liked it, nice job.


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #20
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    NSW, Australia
    Posts
    190
    Default
    I have just read this now and let me say that I'm a bit disappointed.

    Don't worry I'm not disappointed with your efforts as I found yours to be one of the most entertaining scripts and easiest I have read so far.

    What I'm disappointed in is that my non-competition (as in I found this competition too late and just wrote it in the last two days) script that I posted today has one major element similar to yours. Mainly the TV.

    Wow, this has taken the wind out of my sails a little. Really though, they are fairly dissimilar stories so I hope you realise there's no plagiarism intended. Funny, I put a post up the other day on HV20.com explaining how there was no chance at originality these days. Anyway have a read of mine if you get a chance (see my sig.)

    Anyway back to your script....one question is regarding the line "there is no spoon".

    Others seem to think this is funny but I'm just not in on this joke at all.
    I take it that it's a homage to some film that I am totally ignorant of.

    Please enlighten me.

    Thanks and good luck with the voting.
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
    WESTFEST (non-entry)


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •