Go West

[jamiejay]

Your opening description has powerful images, which is an excellent thing, but you don't need to mention "woman" in description. Caroline would suffice.

somehow i missed this statement previously... sorry. i would agree with you normally, but, since i have a flashback, i wanted to distinguish adult caroline from young caroline. to be even more precise, her age in parenthesis would have worked though. thanks.

[Mark C]

Talk about a dysfunctional childhood! Witnessing that kind of tragic event as a child is something that could very well create a serial killer. Had this just been some lady killing people with a Hatchet, the story would have been flat. However you are able to convey a logic that that bad guys in real life don't think they are doing anything wrong. Many do in fact think they are doing the Lord's work so the set up here was both shocking and perfect! It laid out a great foundation for a story that was a page turner.

[jamiejay]

Talk about a dysfunctional childhood! Witnessing that kind of tragic event as a child is something that could very well create a serial killer. Had this just been some lady killing people with a Hatchet, the story would have been flat. However you are able to convey a logic that that bad guys in real life don't think they are doing anything wrong. Many do in fact think they are doing the Lord's work so the set up here was both shocking and perfect! It laid out a great foundation for a story that was a page turner.

thanks for reading/reviewing! glad you liked it!

[arroway]

"On the porch, the headless Ms. Lucy
drops the infant from her arms."

it took me a couple quick re-reads to figure out why ms. lucy was suddenly headless. as a technical aside, decapitating someone with a rifle shot would be very hard to accomplish with rifles available in the 1800's. a shotgun would be much more believable. as a further aside, i'm not sure you want to mention "headless", that seems a little bit overdone, IMO. a point blank bullet through the head of a nice lady is terrible enough...

"SALOON GIRL
Whatever, Mama. Have yourself a
drink and loosen up."

...sounds too contemporary.


i liked this. especially the last scene. reminded me of the movie "frailty".

[jamiejay]

"On the porch, the headless Ms. Lucy
drops the infant from her arms."

it took me a couple quick re-reads to figure out why ms. lucy was suddenly headless. as a technical aside, decapitating someone with a rifle shot would be very hard to accomplish with rifles available in the 1800's. a shotgun would be much more believable. as a further aside, i'm not sure you want to mention "headless", that seems a little bit overdone, IMO. a point blank bullet through the head of a nice lady is terrible enough...

"SALOON GIRL
Whatever, Mama. Have yourself a
drink and loosen up."

...sounds too contemporary.


i liked this. especially the last scene. reminded me of the movie "frailty".

i should have said shotgun... you are correct. i was thinking of a shotgun. grr... but i like the visual of a headless woman nursing a baby... though (as i have said), i am twisted so... lol... i suppose a bullet through the head with a rifle would have worked as well... ;)

i agree with the saloon line... a couple of people mentioned this. good call.

i will have to look up frailty, then. glad you liked it! thanks!

jamie

[jamiejay]

i just looked up frailty... i have actually seen that, but i couldn't stand it so i had forgotten about it... haha... now i'm not sure if you liked my script or not...lol ...kidding! ;)