Thread: Go West

Page 6 of 6 FirstFirst ... 23456
Results 51 to 56 of 56
  1. Collapse Details
    #51
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    359
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by Rustom Irani View Post
    Your opening description has powerful images, which is an excellent thing, but you don't need to mention "woman" in description. Caroline would suffice.
    somehow i missed this statement previously... sorry. i would agree with you normally, but, since i have a flashback, i wanted to distinguish adult caroline from young caroline. to be even more precise, her age in parenthesis would have worked though. thanks.
    Script Fest IV: Go West
    Script Fest III:
    Valor

    Script Fest II: Entitled




    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #52
    Default
    Talk about a dysfunctional childhood! Witnessing that kind of tragic event as a child is something that could very well create a serial killer. Had this just been some lady killing people with a Hatchet, the story would have been flat. However you are able to convey a logic that that bad guys in real life don't think they are doing anything wrong. Many do in fact think they are doing the Lord's work so the set up here was both shocking and perfect! It laid out a great foundation for a story that was a page turner.


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #53
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    359
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by Mark C View Post
    Talk about a dysfunctional childhood! Witnessing that kind of tragic event as a child is something that could very well create a serial killer. Had this just been some lady killing people with a Hatchet, the story would have been flat. However you are able to convey a logic that that bad guys in real life don't think they are doing anything wrong. Many do in fact think they are doing the Lord's work so the set up here was both shocking and perfect! It laid out a great foundation for a story that was a page turner.
    thanks for reading/reviewing! glad you liked it!
    Script Fest IV: Go West
    Script Fest III:
    Valor

    Script Fest II: Entitled




    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #54
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    528
    Default
    "On the porch, the headless Ms. Lucy
    drops the infant from her arms."

    it took me a couple quick re-reads to figure out why ms. lucy was suddenly headless. as a technical aside, decapitating someone with a rifle shot would be very hard to accomplish with rifles available in the 1800's. a shotgun would be much more believable. as a further aside, i'm not sure you want to mention "headless", that seems a little bit overdone, IMO. a point blank bullet through the head of a nice lady is terrible enough...

    "SALOON GIRL
    Whatever, Mama. Have yourself a
    drink and loosen up."

    ...sounds too contemporary.


    i liked this. especially the last scene. reminded me of the movie "frailty".


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #55
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    359
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by arroway View Post
    "On the porch, the headless Ms. Lucy
    drops the infant from her arms."

    it took me a couple quick re-reads to figure out why ms. lucy was suddenly headless. as a technical aside, decapitating someone with a rifle shot would be very hard to accomplish with rifles available in the 1800's. a shotgun would be much more believable. as a further aside, i'm not sure you want to mention "headless", that seems a little bit overdone, IMO. a point blank bullet through the head of a nice lady is terrible enough...

    "SALOON GIRL
    Whatever, Mama. Have yourself a
    drink and loosen up."

    ...sounds too contemporary.


    i liked this. especially the last scene. reminded me of the movie "frailty".
    i should have said shotgun... you are correct. i was thinking of a shotgun. grr... but i like the visual of a headless woman nursing a baby... though (as i have said), i am twisted so... lol... i suppose a bullet through the head with a rifle would have worked as well... ;)

    i agree with the saloon line... a couple of people mentioned this. good call.

    i will have to look up frailty, then. glad you liked it! thanks!

    jamie
    Script Fest IV: Go West
    Script Fest III:
    Valor

    Script Fest II: Entitled




    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #56
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    359
    Default
    i just looked up frailty... i have actually seen that, but i couldn't stand it so i had forgotten about it... haha... now i'm not sure if you liked my script or not...lol ...kidding! ;)
    Last edited by jamiejay; 04-07-2009 at 07:33 PM.
    Script Fest IV: Go West
    Script Fest III:
    Valor

    Script Fest II: Entitled




    Reply With Quote
     

Page 6 of 6 FirstFirst ... 23456

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •