Thread: The last stop

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    #21
    Member xxrotinivol2's Avatar
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    I didn't always "get" what was going on, and that didn't affect my enjoyment of the script. I liked reading it. It was very mysterious, fun, and the quirks of all the characters made me want to read what happened to them. Sure they could all be developed more, but this is a 10 page contest, and you threw a lot of characters out at us, and it worked. It reminded me of this book called "Geek Love" about a family circus of freaks. This was more on the side of supernatural, but it had its own flavor.

    DIGRESSION ALERT!!! Something that's nice about these fests is that these are stories that you would not normally see in the theater. It's nice to know that people are still thinking up original things, and everyone isn't concentrated on making Die Hard 17: With More A Vengence and Faster and Furiouser. END OF DIGRESSION!!!! You created this original world, I could see it, it was a Western, and you made it work.

    Everything is confusing at parts to me, but most of the stuff ends up making sense or is fine that I don't know every detial. The ending didn't make sense to me, and I think something earlier where he would say (about Lita and Rita), "I ain't touch girls like that. My mother did me wrong, ran a whorehouse." Then after, some mention of her being "well under ground." This would set the ending up better, and it makes more sense.

    Still, great job on this original script. I enjoyed it.
    Last edited by xxrotinivol2; 03-28-2009 at 12:13 AM.


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    #22
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Wow - this is really different - in a good way.

    This is an example of violence that isn't just for the sake of it but calculated, motivated and complex. There's so much going on here but because you handle all the various elements so expertly, I was never confused. I was constantly asking questions as I read but in the way you want your reader to ask questions.

    This was one of those scripts where every new turn of events is a surprise - I was all set for Jack to be a good guy coming to clean up this freakshow, but, not so much! And I really like how you didn't paint him as simply bad. He's nice to Bub and to his horse. Somehow, despite him being a murderer, we like him. Or maybe that's just me and my penchant for bad boys

    Either way, this was one of my favourites - a very original and memorable read.


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    #23
    Senior Member Tim Joy's Avatar
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    Interesting concept. It's like total recall meets the west.

    Well written and easy to read. A very good example of a gunfight written in a way that doesn't drag you down.

    I'm not sure I understood the motivations of you main character, and the thing with his mother. This left me a little confused with the ending, and the whole story in general.

    I thought since you spent some quality time building a character for the horse, it would've come in and saved him or something...

    Very very well written, but I found it a little hard to connect with the story.


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    #24
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Blaine....thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. I agree making him a bit older makes sense. I'm glad that you liked it.
    Thank you for the technical advice as far as the sluglines, time of day. Very good info to have, I appreciate it.

    xx...thanks for commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed the script regardless of a few things.
    I whole heartedly agree with your digression...heh heh
    I'm also glad to hear you felt it original. As far as the ending, I'm going to address that below.

    Sarah...Wow...I appreciate the compliments. You got everything I was going for, which is good to hear. Ah...girls always go for the bad guy, lol.
    Thank you for the kind words.

    yeehaanow...thanks for taking the time to read and comment. The horse is really his only friend and I wanted to show how his actions reflect on the horse, when he re names it after each victim.

    As far as the end, I thought that the end resolved questions about his motivation. Though I did leave it slightly open to interpetation. Some seem to have gotten and others not. I don't if there is a middle ground for me, because I don't want to hit people over the head with it.

    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
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    #25
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by conlanforever View Post

    As far as the end, I thought that the end resolved questions about his motivation. Though I did leave it slightly open to interpetation. Some seem to have gotten and others not. I don't if there is a middle ground for me, because I don't want to hit people over the head with it.
    And beat us over the head with it you did not! The realisations of the resolution trickled gently into my brain. I think you have just the right amount of exposition - I tend to tie things up too neatly and not leave any space for the audience to interpret events so I was very impressed at your subtlety, yet you did provide all the answers we needed, just not on a plate. As long as the correct interpretation is possible from the information you have provided, then you've done your job. I like that you left some gaps for my lazy brain to bridge!


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    #26
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    Rock solid formatting and structure. Didn't see you slip up once and this script is a fine example of how scripts should read and be formatted.

    Dialogue and characters were also top notch. No complaints or advice here.

    Story was interesting. Nice and original and sucked me in from the opening till the end. I started expecting a standard western, but nice mix going on here.

    Loads of nice touches and ideas. One of my favorites.

    Well done.


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    #27
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    What an original, fascinating premise!!!

    "Deadwood" meets "Carnivale" with a good measure of family drama to round it off.

    I love the characters. Some of the best in my opinion in this contest.

    I wish some of them wouldn't be mere props, the Giant, Coin...You set them up quite cleverly to dispatch them off in equally quick fashion.

    Otherwise very surreal, memorable and excellently paced.

    All the best.


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    #28
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Oh I love a freakshow! There are so many unique characters to enjoy here. AND THEN you get to enjoy them being utterly obliterated, wait ... that seems wrong somehow... oh well.

    Original and enjoyable, nice little references to Beelzebub - who here is such a lovable little kid, probably unintentional but two other words came together and I laughed a little "Jack Knife"

    I liked that Jack wasn't the squeaky clean hero, he's a mess and it works but his motivations were a little lost to me... was he going after the women that left his mother all by herself, so he's all f'd up in the head because of his mom?

    Your script is mechanical or medical in its presentation. Always concise and there's a focused way of getting details across, structure and everything is solid.


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    #29
    Senior Member lawriejaffa's Avatar
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    Yeah I liked that too - it worked because it dealt with all kinds of dark sexual themes - and psychological problems, and managed to express it both subtly, and then in contrast with extremity, yet it all fitted within this dark romantic theme.

    A very very artistic piece that i think has to rank among the most original and exciting entries imo.
    Feature: LORD OF TEARS - A New Legend in Horror - Pre-Order Now http://www.lordoftears.com/


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    #30
    Senior Member jasonthewho's Avatar
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    This was fantastic. I loved that you made Jack the Ripper the hero of your story.

    I'd love to see this filmed. Unfortunately, its such a beast in terms of production requirements, I doubt I'll ever have the pleasure. If you can't get this produced, you should rework it into a short story and get it published.

    Two minor things:

    JACK (late 20s) wiry and tough as nails, rides CHARLOTTE, a
    black mare,

    I'd reverse that to
    JACK (late 20s) wiry and tough as nails, rides a
    black mare, CHARLOTTE
    because dirty minded me read it a different way.

    You always talk to yer horse.

    I believe you want a question mark not a period.

    Besides that, this is pretty perfect. Reads great, details are amazing, and the story is interesting. Nothing's on the nose, the dialogue is sharp, I could go on.

    Excellent work.


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