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    #21
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    I don't really know what makes me really like this piece. I think it's the feel, the whole underlying bleakness of it. I just loved it. One of my favs!
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    #22
    Mr. Hollywood Blaine's Avatar
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    Very good script! A lot of things to like in here. I loved the names you gave your characters. It thought you did a great job of drawing those characters so we could really "see" them. This was a very visual script and with some of the CG experts we have on this site, I could easily see this as an entry on some future DVXUser Film Fest. The story certainly could be told in the six minute time frame and it is a complete story with the requisite beginning-middle-end.

    About the only complaint I had with it is The Patch-up Kid's dialogue. It sounded a bit too adult for him, even considering that he's been forced to grow up fast. There's a difference between sounding worldly for his age and sounding adult for his age.
    THE PATCH-UP KID
    Iíll let you keep the stakes even. Iíve another friend who can come in and help fix you up.
    The grammar and phrasing of this bit of dialogue seems a bit mature and correct, compared to most of his other speech. Contrast it to this bit:
    THE PATCH-UP KID
    I wouldnít. This here whiskey could be poisoned too. Let me give him a
    swallow and you can plug us both dead or I your gut.
    The only other thing would be the use of the term "haulin' ass." This seems a bit contemporary. Not sure I've heard it used in a piece of that time period.

    But those are pretty minor things in what is a very tight and compelling story. I love the fact that this is such a rich yet economical script (6 pages). I also thought you nailed the ending. Kudos, great script.


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    #23
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    There is a balance and symmetry to this story that is brilliant! It's starts off with the Patch Up Kid pulling a gold tooth and ends the same way. That type of script, especially in short form, is really great because it leaves an audience feeling satisfied. It just feels complete. The writing was incredible and if you haven't figured it out yet, I really liked this entry. Super Job!


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    #24
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Its gritty and real, not lofty in its scope you kept it grounded and that works in your favor.

    Some great characters and having your kids act grown-up due to their harsh surroundings can be tough to convey but you did an excellent job. PUK's dialogue might be too adult but its not that distracting. Great pacing and structure.

    Favorite part was when he healed up the wound using gunpowder. Good work


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    #25
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    definitely in my top. i loved it.

    it's so unique and twisted. the opening scene really grabbed my attention and the kids' characters were fantastic. i would have liked to seen more of squeak and mule.

    i do agree about the dialogue being possibly too old for him, but, then... a seven year old is humming while digging a bullet out of a man's gut with his fingers... lol. i also agree with blaine about "hauling ass" not seeming to fit with the time period.

    still... it rocked.
    Script Fest IV: Go West
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    #26
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    One of the best - well done.

    Very different to the majority and hence sticks with you while many of the others have rolled into one.

    I think you'll do well in the voting.
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
    WESTFEST (non-entry)


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    #27
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    I really appreciate all the feedback and comments guys. Thank you.


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    #28
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    great first shot. great opening scene. probably the best opener of the fest.

    “THE PATCH-UP KID
    The folks of this town aren’t known
    to take too kindly to survivors
    haulin’ ass after a gunfight. The
    way your guts leakin’, riding a
    horse will lead you straight to a
    lynch mob itching for some outlaw
    to hang. We have a burro you can
    borrow but I have to fix Mule
    first, he being the only one can
    handle the damn animal and all.”

    does not sound to me like the way any twelve year old would talk…

    “THE PATCH-UP KID
    Easy boy. Easy does it.”

    A twelve year old is calling a fourteen year old a “boy”?

    “THE PATCH-UP KID
    Mama told me a grizzly did it. All
    I remember is my paw peelin’ my
    face off with a knife to find out
    if I was white underneath.”

    Helluva line. Good job.


    “THE PATCH-UP KID
    I counted three gold teeth while he
    was gabbin’.”

    lol

    a lot of good lines in this...

    this was great. i loved it. although i wish it had a "bigger" ending. it would be cool if you did kind a play on "a fistful of dollars" where the kids incite a huge battle, expertly manufacturing the tension, playing both sides against each other so as to leave more bodies for rooting.


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    #29
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    The "doesn't seem to me that a twelve year old would talk in this manner/use such words or line" seems to be the general consensus.

    My main influence for this was "City Of God", kids can pick up mature lingo pretty quick and use it effectively, in my opinion, perhaps not in that period. Ah well! He's memorable though.

    As for calling the 14 year old "boy", just going for a bit of character development and subtext.

    Mule is 14, muscular and huge. Probably a bit slow witted, only muscle. Like an animal, hence his name. How would you console an injured lummox of a beast? I had Patch-up call him "boy" in that context. Also, shows Patch-up is good at healing folks and reassuring them.


    In a short the big ending wouldn't really work for my taste. But it's a great suggestion for expanding this story.

    Thanks!!!


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    #30
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    Great script. I just don't think about kids when I think of westerns, so this script was just a pleasant surprise. Very original, interesting characters. I can't wait to read your next script for the next fest.


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