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    #11
    Senior Member nouou's Avatar
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    @rustom irani

    i liked most of this script.

    i like the character fingers, and how he barely talks. he was the most interesting to me. i giggled a bit when he started humming to himself as he digs for the slug.

    sometimes i was confused as to where characters were. when we enter the house, you never describe characters positions or where they move to. the first and only thing we see is 'Framed within the kitchen doorway are DAWSON'. also, a description of the room would've helped as the room itself seemed to play an important role because the men outside busted in, making it significant.

    overall, i think this script is pretty good, keep it up.


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    #12
    Senior Member TimCollins's Avatar
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    Well, this was a unique yet strange story. Very original.

    I enjoyed the humor interspersed throughout. Also liked the confidence the Patch-up Kid had for being only 12 years old but I suppose, doing what he does, it would be pretty necessary.

    The fingers character was entertaining, too. And as nouou mentioned, he doesn't talk that much and I think that adds to his subtle charm - you get a feel of what he's like through his actions.

    Props for the originality and the humor. T'was a fun read.
    Timothy Collins - Writer/Director - Facebook | YouTube | IMDb | Twitter


    DREAMSPACE (Short Film) - 2nd Place @ 81st annual GCA Film Festival 2012
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    #13
    Senior Member lawriejaffa's Avatar
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    Yep I think this is an excellent script and of the type that may be a little underrated in this festival (it is a bleak child ordained drama of brutal survival!) There is no Slumdog Millionaire happy ending for the leader of these children.

    So the characterisation was good, the Patch up kid was mature - but perhaps too mature in his dialogue with Dawson? Maybe not of course, its all in the performance too, but i could have interchanged his lines with an older chap and they could have fitted perhasp too snuggly!

    The premise is fascinating and the details of the lead are memorable. So is his backstory. Do you remember that Dustin Hoffman movie where he plays a 'half-breed' underdog - it reminded me a tiny bit of a modern version of that (of course its your story!)

    The hunting of gold teeth - was gritty and realistic, the kids nicknames were great. In all i would say this is a mature tale that might split some people for its subject matter and style (its not glamorous - or cool) its bleak and gritty (with nothing romantic or gothic about it ) almost a native american social realism! Woop woop party! hehe but i appreciate it well done my friend. (Its good imo regardless where it polls) and would make a great feature.
    Feature: LORD OF TEARS - A New Legend in Horror - Pre-Order Now http://www.lordoftears.com/


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    #14
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    Hi there, Rustom Irani.
    Excellent - concise - well written - unique - THE WORKS!
    Technically it was good, which was important because it allowed the story to impact with the reader without distraction.
    I loved this script on 1st read through, my favourite then and still is - it'll be full marks from me on this one.
    Why aren't you getting more feedback?
    Please give out some of your own 'cause your script deserves a higher profile.
    All the best!


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    #15
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Rustom, I've just read your script and enjoyed the read, thanks.

    Firstly, where did this come from? I loved it. It was gritty it was bleak, you had these orphan like children preying upon the bodies of other humans, who rob them blind...
    But, this isn't a new idea at all... This has happened in real life after every major battle of the past in the UK. You would get adults in there as well though, scavenging.
    Your characters were really well developed and I did like the ending, even though it was totally depressing.
    I agree that you could have explained where people were a little better as I couldn't picture it from your descriptions that well.

    Overall, a very good script. Well done.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #16
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Wow!!!

    Okay, honestly, I like to actually keep a low profile and let my work do the talking for me till the voting period is over. Hard habit to break. Then I will of course discuss my script and the ideas behind it.

    Most of you have liked the fact that the story is gritty and realistic.

    Thank you!

    As you know the real West was kinda like that, gunfights where the townsfolk scurried to the nearest Church or hill, no doctors or medicinal practices to speak of, and I for the life of me don't know what little kids did to while away their time.

    I jokingly pitch this as "A Christmas Story" meets "City Of God" in the Wild West.

    Though I love Westerns and am a huge fan I really don't like to tread on the tried and tested areas of the genre.

    Leone is a big influence, his characters with shades of gray and settings with sunshine that'd burn your retinas off. I like to get right into each moment as far as pacing is concerned.

    I feel I might have spoken a lot and touted the overused wind instrument a tad too much.

    Sorry!

    I do plan to review over the weekend as I love the genre to death. Pun fully intended.

    Thanks for all the input and votes.


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    #17
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Down and dirty. Really liked this one. The writing was top notch, its paced nicely and kept my interest throughout.

    The kids and their nicknames were great. The Patch up Kid seemed too mature for his age, judging by his dialogue, but then again, after all he's been through he's probably more mature than your average 12 year old. That said I still thought the dialogue sounded natural.

    Really good original script, well done!
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

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    #18
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    Hi Rustom! Glad you are picking up those positive reviews!


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    #19
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    NJ,

    Will you be my agent?

    Thanks for the kind words, again.

    I'll take any reviews + or - but those that are first and foremost, constructive.


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    #20
    Senior Member Tim Joy's Avatar
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    You definitely made me cringe, and that was good, because the writing and descriptions are very clear and visual, with just enough to paint the picture. ( I have a bit of a weak stomach)

    I liked your characters a lot. Each one had his own voice that indicated who he was through natural-feeling dialog. I was fully engaged throughout, but I think I was waiting for something bigger to happen. I don't know what I mean by this exactly, but I thought this was a great "slice of time" rather than being a "big" short. On the positive side, you left me wanting more, on the negative side... I wanted more. I guess I'm just greedy I could easily see this as part of a larger piece, and I think it would work well to Sell the larger piece too.

    Excellent writing, and a unique story and characters. THANKS!


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