Thread: End of the Line

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    #31
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    seansshack - Thanks for the feedback, I'll work on polishing it up.

    jamiejay - Glad you liked it, I think the flashback would work if expanded on to show why the child was going to be hanged. But Blaine's got the gear's turning in my head and I'm thinking about it. As for Pancho and O'Mally, yeah a little more back & forth between them would be nice to have and bring out some great depth to both their characters.


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    #32
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    I got a little lost in the action sequences.

    Action isn't quite my bag as you probably noticed since you have read my script (thank you). I also have trouble if there's more than say three characters involved in these shootouts and where they're all positioned. I suppose that's taken care of with a visual reference if this was ever produced.

    I really had trouble grasping the implications of the following phrase.
    "opposite sides of the car, parallels to one another"

    Should that be "sides" or "ends" of the car.

    "Sides" seeems rather close quarters to my way of thinking unless railway carriages have been downsized in the last few decades.

    Thanks for the read and good luck in the rankings.

    BTW: where do I find your (and the other) Lossfest films (are only the finalist available)
    Last edited by leepback; 04-02-2009 at 06:26 PM.
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
    WESTFEST (non-entry)


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    #33
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by leepback View Post
    I really had trouble grasping the implications of the following phrase.
    "opposite sides of the car, parallels to one another"

    Should that be "sides" or "ends" of the car.

    "Sides" seeems rather close quarters to my way of thinking unless railway carriages have been downsized in the last few decades.
    Damn, yes that is supposed to say opposite "ends" of the car. My mistake. Good eye.

    BTW: where do I find your (and the other) Lossfest films (are only the finalist available)
    As for Lossfest, I believe you can find all of the entries here: http://www.dvxfest.com/lossfest/round1.php


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    #34
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    Thanks for the heads up on the lossfest link......I'm crap at finding things on these forums.
    "Guitar Hero" short film

    "Gunplay"which kid has the fastest draw?
    WESTFEST (non-entry)


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    #35
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    nice sparse writing style. this is what a script should look like. quite refreshing after some of the more description-heavy entries. everything was simple and easy to understand.

    "O’Mally looks up from beneath the brim of his hat, sand
    sticking to the sweat and stubble of his face"

    nice detail.

    "PIKE
    I’d follow you to hell just to make
    sure you were dead.
    Pike"

    nice line.

    "2) Pike slowly stretches his fingers over the ammo-rounds on
    his belt, touching each and every one methodically."

    cool detail

    "The woman runs up behind Pike and steals his gun and shoots
    the noose, releasing O’Mally"

    that stretches believability a bit...

    i liked this a lot. definitely wins the "most action" award in the fest. i like how the bad guys are really the kind of good guys and the good guy is really the bad guy. it was a fun read. if you win the lottery, you should produce it. ;-)


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