Bit late, but I have enough time now.
The beginning gave me a good sense of the sci-fi feeling. Maybe a bit long, but I saw some great visuals in my mind. Your lead was maybe a bit stereotype, but I actually liked that because there was not so much time in the story to dig really deep in your character. The action inside was fast, simple and clear.
Some things I would like to have seen different: Inside the saloon the whole sci-fi feeling faded away for me. Wish you would have incorporated the alien environment much more in the story. Now it feels like a story that's just randomly placed in space. I also had the feeling this was more like an extended scene instead of a full story. You tried to fill some of that with the dialogue, but it didn't completely work for me. And yes I think the chandelier thing was too cliche too, but that could be an easy fix.
And importantly I enjoyed reading your script
Oh and nice title, made me read this script first out of the 32.
Thread: The Five-Seven
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04-14-2009 05:06 AMThis is the way the world ends
- Join Date
- Jan 2006
Not with a bang but a whimper