The Five-Seven

[Helferc]

Logline:
At a rundown heap they call the Five-Seven, A man pays a visit to an old friend.

First Scriptfest.

[Ezekiel667]

Well the title interested me. Could we get a logline? I'd like to know what premise goes with that title.

[Russell Moore]

Interesting...sci-fi western perhaps?

[seansshack]

seems to be a mixture of genres.....interesting.

[Helferc]

Final Draft has been done for a few days now just waiting to upload.

[Tormod]

love the logline! sounds good!

[jamiejay]

looking forward to reading!

jamie

[TimCollins]

I thought this one was a nice change of pace, stepping into the futuristic world.

In the first two pages there is no dialogue, which perfectly cool with me, but I feel that some of those descriptions could have been shortened.

I did like the dialogue between Roy and Blockley and how their past was slowly uncovered.

One thing about the end though I think the "cut the rope on the chandelier and it crushes the bad guys" has been done a billion times in films so I would've liked to see something more original there.

Other than that detail it was enjoyable. Very creative too!

[seansshack]

First thing that hit me was this read more like a book than a screenplay. Way to much description. Cut it back and break it up.

example:
From beneath the craft a ramp lowers down, and a MAN in a
DARK ORANGE, LIGHT-WEIGHT SPACE SUIT carrying a duffel walks
out onto the ground. He starts looking around in all
directions, and the ramp behind him closes. In the distance
he spots a particular structure, and as he begins to walk
towards it, the space ship takes off.

A Ramp slowly lowers beneath the craft.

A MAN, dressed in a dark orange jump suit and carrying a duffel, walks down the ramp.

He looks around in every direction as the ramp behind him closes. The Man looks towards a structure in the distance and he walks towards it.

The ship takes off behind him.


Would also avoid use of We see + any kind of camera direction at all. Treat it like a spec script and avoid direction and shot descriptions - it will make you sound like more of a writer. If you sold to to someone to direct, they would not be interested in your version of how they should shoot their film.


Overall a nice mix of genres. A well told story that would serve you better is you gave it another draft and tightened it up as suggested.

[DarkElastic]

Just read your script Helferc and I really enjoyed it.

Ok, yes I agree that each scene is over described, but you do set some nice scenes and you miss nothing out. I thought I was in a world mixed between Total Recall and Blade Runner, very nice.
Roy really reminds me of the Clint Eastwood of old, dirty, cool and dangerous. I think this is another in this Fest that could do without the 10 page boundary and be allowed to evolve. Yes, the ending has been done before, but with more time you could create a more fitting ending for this script and especially this character.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Well done.