In Name of the Law

[Frank Witkam]

In Name of the Law

Logline: An outlaw disturbs the sheriff's plans to bring peace to his town


First entry to a ScriptFest. Look forward to reading everyone's work. Hope I can make the deadline with something worthwhile, still in my first draft at the moment.

[seansshack]

Good luck with it and welcome!

[Ezekiel667]

Welcome! Hope to read it when the deadline comes, keep working at it!

[Russell Moore]

Welcome to scriptfest. Every script written is worth while, at the very least. You learn from your mistakes and you're a better writer for it.
Looking forward to it.

[jamiejay]

you still in? hope so. looking forward to the read.

jamie

[lawriejaffa]

Righto well heres an interesting script with bits I really liked and some bits that left me wondering a teeny weeny bit!

One of the great themes of this story is summed up with a great quote, that 'the greatest evil is done with the best of intention' (at least the quote is roughly like that and someone else im sure will attribute it to its rightly source!)

So anyway, its study of a characters transition from being 'saved' by another - only to rebel and ultimately depart is almost like a metaphorical story of child into adulthood. We get an inkling of that with our full cast of characters, the kid, the man and the old man - each ranked accordingly by their badge.

You chose the point of confrontation to be settled and fought in a brothel - over well prostitutes really and suspected bandits of course. Not to get too Freudian here, but this engagement for the character of Jesse - with sex, and the mysteries of what his father does (defacto father hehe) again add to making this a western coming of age story!

I quite like that perspective, and also to imagine that Jessy himself (our narrator more or less) may have a skewed perspective of what really happened. As what does happen (with the bandit and who or what he is / and the reward ie. Henry etc) I have to admit got a little cloudy in my mind.

Who was what - and what was going on (with precise certainty) is not something i always had - but i still enjoyed the script, and felt within it - a compelling story and entertaining story. As some have already remarked, everyone has raised a notch for this fest ;)

[jamiejay]

i liked this script. it definitely had elements of a real western and, as already mentioned, the character development of jesse as he becomes independent works well.

i was a bit unsure about character motivation at times, which made it seem as if there was more to the story. is this part of a longer script?

i had a sneaking suspicion that henry was really johnny ringo... but i am probably way off base...

nice work

[Bridget D.]

Just wanted to let you know I liked your script...I also got the impression that Henry was actually Ringo, but wasn't sure. I just think it was a little unclear.

I liked the title you chose - a bit ironic.

[Frank Witkam]

Some very interesting comments there, guys. I have to admit I drowned a little in all the characters and plot I created. I probably had enough for a full length feature.

Interesting how you interpretate it as a story about coming of age, Lawrie. I like to write/read material that asks questions, instead of settled endings. Maybe that's the European part of my writing. The point of the skewed perspective was something I had in mind from the beginning.

I'm a little unsatisfied with the character's motivations myself. I did have the characters further worked out, but no more space in the script to put it in. Maybe I should have removed one or two characters, but I didn't know which one, since they were all important for the plot, and points I wanted to make.

Anyway, thanks for the comments, guys.

[Russell Moore]

I thought your descriptions were well written and nice action.

The dialogue between Jesse and the sheriff at the end seemed a little long and I thought it could be tightened up a bit without losing the meaning. I do however like what they're saying and it shows some of their motivation for their actions and Jesse's ultimate action (leaving)

The evolution of Jesse was done really well. I thought you really cleared up what the Sheriff's motivation's were at the end, he is a very black and white, wrong is wrong kind of a guy and wasn't going to veer from that path. Two strong characters here.

Entertaining story, nice work!