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    #11
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    advice i've heard numerous times is "when it comes to short films, the shorter the better". it allows film festivals to schedule more showings, it allows you more avenues to post your work online, and it helps with the world's rapidly declining attention span.

    with that said, i don't know how to edit mine down any further without making it incomprehensible and i wrote this to conceivably shoot for a couple grand at a relative's ranch in texas so...hopefully one of you guys can suggest something short of suggesting i scrap the whole thing.



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    #12
    Senior Member seansshack's Avatar
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    The fest reviews should help you with feedback into if it needs to be shorter or longer in running length.


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    #13
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Love the title and tagline.
    As far as length , hard to say without seeing the script, but if there is a lot of action, that may shoot shorter than it takes up space on the page.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #14
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Well you've got my vote for best title anyway! To cut down, try using commas instead of 'ands' and get rid of lines with only one or two words on the by rethinking the sentence. but yes, it's always easier for someone else to see what can be cut than it is for the writer...so I'm sure you'll get plenty of suggestions once you put it up!


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    #15
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    i left an earlier (much shorter) title on the opening page just to get people's opinion VS this new (much longer) one.

    FYI, i plan on producing/directing this myself in the near future at a relative's ranch in texas.



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    #16
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    i like the alliteration in the title. i'm interested! good luck!

    jamie


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    #17
    Senior Member lawriejaffa's Avatar
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    Hey there :P

    Some very elegant writing here - especially in your descriptions and scene settings. I found this to be a very atmospheric and easy to read script. The characters are well developed, and I felt sympathy (obviously enough) for the character of Alaqua while I was convinced too that 'Rider' had been a bad dude now with his final chance for Redemption.

    If you get a chance you should check out the great and unexpected rescue scene of the girl in the period drama 'Red Beard' - Akira Kurosawa - it had that kind of a vibe to it which played well.

    It managed to avoid overt sentimentality thanks to its gritty and brutal feeling making it all work when it does come ;) I wondered if the title might be a little 'trendy' - but reading the script - its done justice

    I liked the supernatural element too, a little bit of gothic in there is always good. So all in all a very strong entry in my book!
    Feature: LORD OF TEARS - A New Legend in Horror - Pre-Order Now http://www.lordoftears.com/


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    #18
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    I really enjoyed your script Arroway.

    I thought the characters of the girl, the rider and sebastian were great. The story was very harsh and very real, it gave a good insight into the evil of the time and the violence. The ghost was a nice simbol of a man losing his mind due to the weight of a decision. A decision that killed his comrade.
    With that in mind, the only thing that really jarred was the gun the ghost produces. Everything up to that point is very real (even the ghost), but the gun gave a supernatural element that wasn't necessary. It could have pointed to the saddle, a saddle owned by another, and when the rider checks the saddle there could have been a stowed revolver, fully loaded. A spare one of the deputies carries on his horse, just in case.

    Other than that, I really enjoyed your script. Well done.


    Marshall Dean

    Writer/Producer


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    #19
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    I think the longer title is the better title.

    This is a strong script. Very well handled and very well written. The motivation of the Rider is never questioned, even when he decides for once in his life to do the right thing. I think DarkElastic has an excellent point regarding the extra revolver, however it didn't really bother me during my initial read. Supernatural elements are OK in my book, but it does beg the question of why the ghost who was betrayed by the Rider would be so helpful. Pitty for the girl is the obvious answer, but it did make me wonder.

    Brutal in some parts. Heartwarming in others. Good job. If the rest of the scripts are this caliber then it will be a hard competition to decide.
    Chris Johnson


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    #20
    Senior Member REHov520's Avatar
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    First off I agree that the longer title is by far the better one.

    I liked this quite a bit. I really liked the Rider character, and his phrases that he repates like "well godamnit." If this is supposed to be the story of an evil man's redemption, however, I feel like you could have made him more evil. Not waiting for a fellow bank robber isn't really evil in my book, it's either selfish or smart (since he probably would have died had he tried to rescue his friend in the bank robbery). I never really saw the Rider as an EVIL character, and in a way that made his redemption less compelling. He just seemed like a decent guy on the wrong side of the law.

    On a technical note I was a little annoyed with the lack of pronouns in a lot of your sentences. Very minor issue, and sometimes this works as a style thing, but it bugged me because it seemed overdone.

    I also did not like the gun at the end in that it connected the supernatural world to the real world, which just felt out of place for this story. Where I thought you were going with it was that he would go into battle and realize he only had the one gun, that he had imagined the other gun, and so he only had enough bullets to kill 6 guys. I think that could have been cool. But having the gun being an actual object given to him by his friend's ghost took me out of the story quite a bit at the end.

    Good job!


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