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    #31
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    thanks for the thoughts, guys. i appreciate it.

    i think i agree that the rider should be painted a little bit more evil. maybe he shoots his partner so he doesn't have to split the money from the bank heist? or what if he alludes to a history of being a scalp hunter? that was probably the most despicable bit of business a man could have gotten into in the old west...


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    #32
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    I loved this, definately is one of my favs now. You really set a tone and mood in only two pages. Great stuff.

    I think the bad guy is bad enough, no need for us to completely hate him. Oh, and if the girl is any less than 15 you would have a problem, but I think 16 is young enough to defend and still not be creepy.

    Good Job.
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    #33
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    The opening on this one had me glued to the script. It really sucks you into the action right away and it never lost my attention. I think this was a great example of the perfect blend of the descriptive yet short action blocks. Outside of agreeing that girl's age is very disturbing for what she is going through this story would show up on film really well. I liked the gun from a ghost part but that type of twist is totally my thing so I can see where others might not agree. I guess you can sort of find a compromise on it and have the ghost point out an ammunition depot or something but I really like it the way it is.


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    #34
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    This was a great, well paced Western. Would make Elmore Leonard proud.

    I'd have preferred for Alaqua to be slightly older but the bleakness of the fictional reality will and does strike the audience hard, so it works in your favor.

    Love the fact that you let the violence occur off screen. And the two monologues are just right.

    The Face-off/shoot-out is something I'd want to witness like the one in "Unforgiven" and I wish you had room for it.

    My favorite so far. True to form and genre.

    All the ebst.


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    #35
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Its gritty, its bleak, and its a damn good western.

    Please though don't use "we see" it ruins the flow of the story when you directly reference the audience,
    we can see he wears a beard white with age, his face showing a webwork of wrinkles befitting a man with half a century behind him.
    Maybe instead try "the firelight reveals..." or "he wears a beard white with age, prominent in the firelight..."

    I was enamored with this all the way through, its some great work.


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    #36
    Senior Member preston's Avatar
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    notes as i read:

    good start; nice description of the landscape and the RIDER.

    wow he has quick hands, especially for someone who's weak and bloody. to catch a diamondback mid-strike is awesome, because i thought he was a gone-er for sure.

    SEBASTIAN is beating a little girl... violent but intriguing. but who is he? all we get is "(30's)".

    he's cooking the snake - nice! also, he now looks like Clint E. to me, haha.

    he looks back at the knife and realizes... what? she's getting him whiskey for the wound? might consider leaving that word out. idk.

    a DEAD MAN? what's going on?

    ok, a ghost. got it.

    i like how the Rider keeps saying "well goddamnit." it's his catchphrase, i guess.

    TECH POINT: you don't need a new scene heading (EXT. DESERT HORIZON - NIGHT) when the Rider screams in pain. skip that and just let the action flow.

    "excavated bullets" - nice.

    not a good day for the little girl.

    the ghost had a gun!? ok, why not...

    "well goddamnit." haha awesome.

    11-on-one odds... this is going to be good.

    -------

    wow, nice script; i enjoyed reading it. the title is cool, but it gave away the ending. no big deal there, but just my opinion.

    EDIT: looks like you changed the title.. i really like "Comeuppance".


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    #37
    Senior Member jamiejay's Avatar
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    well goddamnit... it's one of my favorites in the fest. loved it. very poetic writing, by the way... great alliteration, assonance, and rhythm. it made it nice to read and it counteracted the gritty mood of the story perfectly. nothing i would have changed at all. ;)

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    #38
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    I have to agree with the few that that suggested the girl might be too young. Granted this sort of thing would have happened, and still is today, and even to much younger girls, but I think your portrayal of it was a bit graphic. I think you could be a bit more suggestive rather than demostrative as the sounds coming from the sex act are a bit unecsssary and heading into a dangerous area.

    This seems a bit unusual as I'm not overly prudish but it did worry me as peodophelia is such a social no-no and I did think it might ruin any aspirations you had with the life of this otherwise well written script.

    I know you already disagreed with this sentiment but I need to give an honest appraisal.
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    #39
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    "graphic" audio? kind of seems like an oxymoron...

    thank you for your thoughts regardless. definitely something to ponder.


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    #40
    Senior Member leepback's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by arroway View Post
    "graphic" audio? kind of seems like an oxymoron...
    ha ha you're right. you seem to get my drift though.

    cheers - I'll be keeping an eye out to see how well your script does regardless of my feelings it's fairly well told!
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