A couple of questions 1st. How do I show a voice over on my script? I know it is VO but where and how do I write it, does anyone have any examples I could have a look at please
Also, when and where do we upload our scripts?
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03-20-2009 02:00 PM
03-20-2009 02:08 PM
Isaac will post all the information about uploading when we get closer to the deadline.
I'll pm you an example of VO.the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"
Need a short script? Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.
03-20-2009 02:12 PM
Thanks, cheers I would really appreciate that
03-24-2009 08:23 PM
welcome! can't wait to read your script
03-25-2009 05:50 PM
ooh am i the first to comment? nice... ;)
hard to believe this is your first script! you did a terrific job!
i love the set up of the story, and the way it's told through voice overs works well. i could picture everything clearly so your description was effective: "sweat droplets accumulate on his forehead", "a silhouette of a cowboy standing in the horizon", etc.
i love how this script doesn't take itself too seriously. i could almost picture the flashback scene as a black and white silent film, complete with the dust and scratches on the reel... it had that type of feel to it with everyone going silent in unison at the sound of sam's name... i could even picture some of the action in fast motion and with exaggerated facial expressions... like when sam runs out of the house in a rage and she falls to the ground crying... like an old silent film.
my only disappointment was that we never got to see sam in the present day. i wanted to find out if he gets his revenge or not... i wanted him to come into the saloon with guns blazing, or maybe he was one of the cowboys sitting around the table the whole time... idk.
there are some spelling errors that you would want to fix to tighten it up (we all make typos), but nothing too distracting.
one last thing... was she setting someone up by tearing her own clothes and acting as if she were attacked?
03-25-2009 06:09 PM
Just wanted to say I enjoyed reading your script. The script I submitted is only my second, so for all those technical details - someone else will have to give you feedback. As far as the story goes, I do agree with jamiejay that the ending kind of leaves you up in the air a bit. I want to read the sequel!
Also I love that you named the deputy Humbledinck...I laughed. Great name for a deputy.
03-25-2009 08:48 PM
This seems like something much larger. I'd love to hear the rest of the story, but obviously that couldn't be carried out in 7 pages. It was well written, if a bit cliche, but it does have the interesting twist of letting outsiders comment on what actually happened. It gives it an almost mythological feeling. Overall, I like it, I just wish I could know what happened.
03-25-2009 08:57 PM
It was well written but I also agree with Keth here. I'd like to know more!
I do like the twist in the end that Penny was actually having an affair with the sheriff and it was never Humbledinck to begin with. (By the way, the name Humbledinck cracked me up, props on that one). But if all this information was discovered after Sam left, how would be find out? I guess that all ties into wanting more information at the end. Also, as others have said I think after all that talk about him, we should've met Sam at the end. I really liked jamie's idea of Sam being one off the men sitting around the bar, that would've been a cool twist.
But for your first screenplay you did an awesome job!
03-26-2009 06:16 AM
Wow, I can't believe that so many of you have read my script I tried to get my boyfriend to read it the other day but he refused so the fact that so many of you have read my script makes me feel very honoured. Thanks everyone who has read it
Now to answer your questions:
The answer to your question is yes, she did tear her own clothes to set up Humbledinck because when he came around to see her. He told her that she must stop the affair or he would tell Sam. Unfortunately, within the 7 pages I couldn't really get that across but this is something that is explored in the full version. Also, Penny Roads character in the full version is built up so that she looks all innocent and sweet but then all her secrets, lies and betrayal come out one by one so that the deception is not just with Sam but with the audience as well. I tried my hardest to get as much of this across in the script as i possibly could.
I hope that you like it. I was very nervous with this being my first ever script. But you guys are very helpful and your comments are very interesting and very much appreciated.
It means a lot to me that you all took the time to read and comment on my script so everyone. Lets hope the voting goes well