Relentless

[LadyNatasha87]

A couple of questions 1st. How do I show a voice over on my script? I know it is VO but where and how do I write it, does anyone have any examples I could have a look at please
Also, when and where do we upload our scripts?
Thanks

[Russell Moore]

Isaac will post all the information about uploading when we get closer to the deadline.
I'll pm you an example of VO.

[LadyNatasha87]

Thanks, cheers I would really appreciate that

[TimCollins]

Cool poster!

[jamiejay]

welcome! can't wait to read your script

jamie

[jamiejay]

ooh am i the first to comment? nice... ;)


hard to believe this is your first script! you did a terrific job!

i love the set up of the story, and the way it's told through voice overs works well. i could picture everything clearly so your description was effective: "sweat droplets accumulate on his forehead", "a silhouette of a cowboy standing in the horizon", etc.

i love how this script doesn't take itself too seriously. i could almost picture the flashback scene as a black and white silent film, complete with the dust and scratches on the reel... it had that type of feel to it with everyone going silent in unison at the sound of sam's name... i could even picture some of the action in fast motion and with exaggerated facial expressions... like when sam runs out of the house in a rage and she falls to the ground crying... like an old silent film.

my only disappointment was that we never got to see sam in the present day. i wanted to find out if he gets his revenge or not... i wanted him to come into the saloon with guns blazing, or maybe he was one of the cowboys sitting around the table the whole time... idk.

there are some spelling errors that you would want to fix to tighten it up (we all make typos), but nothing too distracting.

one last thing... was she setting someone up by tearing her own clothes and acting as if she were attacked?

nice work

[Bridget D.]

Just wanted to say I enjoyed reading your script. The script I submitted is only my second, so for all those technical details - someone else will have to give you feedback. As far as the story goes, I do agree with jamiejay that the ending kind of leaves you up in the air a bit. I want to read the sequel!

Also I love that you named the deputy Humbledinck...I laughed. Great name for a deputy.

[Keth Andril]

This seems like something much larger. I'd love to hear the rest of the story, but obviously that couldn't be carried out in 7 pages. It was well written, if a bit cliche, but it does have the interesting twist of letting outsiders comment on what actually happened. It gives it an almost mythological feeling. Overall, I like it, I just wish I could know what happened.

[TimCollins]

It was well written but I also agree with Keth here. I'd like to know more!

I do like the twist in the end that Penny was actually having an affair with the sheriff and it was never Humbledinck to begin with. (By the way, the name Humbledinck cracked me up, props on that one). But if all this information was discovered after Sam left, how would be find out? I guess that all ties into wanting more information at the end. Also, as others have said I think after all that talk about him, we should've met Sam at the end. I really liked jamie's idea of Sam being one off the men sitting around the bar, that would've been a cool twist.

But for your first screenplay you did an awesome job!

[LadyNatasha87]

Wow, I can't believe that so many of you have read my script I tried to get my boyfriend to read it the other day but he refused so the fact that so many of you have read my script makes me feel very honoured. Thanks everyone who has read it

Now to answer your questions:

ooh am i the first to comment? nice... ;) was she setting someone up by tearing her own clothes and acting as if she were attacked?

First off thanks Jamie for being the first too comment
The answer to your question is yes, she did tear her own clothes to set up Humbledinck because when he came around to see her. He told her that she must stop the affair or he would tell Sam. Unfortunately, within the 7 pages I couldn't really get that across but this is something that is explored in the full version. Also, Penny Roads character in the full version is built up so that she looks all innocent and sweet but then all her secrets, lies and betrayal come out one by one so that the deception is not just with Sam but with the audience as well. I tried my hardest to get as much of this across in the script as i possibly could.

I love that you named the deputy Humbledinck...I laughed. Great name for a deputy.

Thanks Bridget I never knew how hard it was to come up with Character names until this western competition. he he. I thought Humbledinck is quite cute and light hearted. I'm glad that it put a smile on your faces

I really liked jamie's idea of Sam being one off the men sitting around the bar, that would've been a cool twist.

Yeah, I have to admit that it never crossed my mind to have him sitting in the saloon the whole time. But yes I agree that would have made a great ending. Wish I had thought of that. he he.

I just wish I could know what happened.

Thanks Keth, well the way it goes is that Sam came back because he heard the rumours about the affair. He comes back to have a showdown with the Sheriff. However, when he comes back he see's Penny Road and the child that is now 5 years old. He is dressed up in a sheriff's outfit and running around the shack pretending to shoot the 'bad guys'. Penny sees Sam and realises the hurt that she caused him. Howeverm now Penny lives with the Sheriff who is not so happy to see Sam back in town. Penny tries to make things up to Sam but the Sheriff refuses to let her see him. It all ends with a bloody battle in which we find out that the child was indeed Sams and not the Sheriffs. Something that the Sheriff didn't know either. Sam dies in Penny's arms and the Sheriff leaves town for good.

I hope that you like it. I was very nervous with this being my first ever script. But you guys are very helpful and your comments are very interesting and very much appreciated.

It means a lot to me that you all took the time to read and comment on my script so everyone. Lets hope the voting goes well
Nat