Thread: One Last Favor

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    #11
    Senior Member TimCollins's Avatar
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    Hey, just read it, and I love the way you structured it. It was nice to read a non-linear story for a change.

    Having the end at the beginning and bringing it full circle really made for a more enjoyable read and as DarkElastic said it opens with a bang!

    Good writing, dialogue and formatting here.

    I don't mind so much not knowing why Monroe owed Drake because it leaves it open to interpretation/speculation. The fact that Monroe says "I owe you my life will, we all do" signifies that Drake had done something heroic. And same with the ring I like to be able to imagine to myself what it would be about. Those parts didn't really feel like they needed to be answered necessarily because I felt the situation between Drake and his son and the loyalty of Monroe were the real points. It's like the contents of the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, it's fun to imagine it for yourself.

    Anyway, I loved the structuring - made for a fun read! Good job, man.
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    #12
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Great opening scene. Well structured and well written.

    I was fine with not knowing why Monroe owed Drake. But I wanted a little more about the gold ring, I felt there was more there and I wasn't getting it.

    Nice descriptions throughout and I like how it ended with Monroe sitting outside the town. Good visuals. I enyoyed this one. Nice work!
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    #13
    Senior Member Ezekiel667's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone! It's awesome to hear all these good things being said about my script, especially from you guys!

    As for the ring, and Monroe's debt to Drake, I wanted to leave it open to speculation, a little Pulp Fiction-y. Had I had more pages to work with I probably would have explained both of those things, but I think with the 10 page limit it worked out pretty well.

    Thanks again guys!


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    #14
    Senior Member MrKilloran's Avatar
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    Opening scene was killer, nicely done, but The Maxwell - Monroe name situation, just be careful with how closely similar the names are because keeping apart which one was which ruins the flow a bit.

    The non-linear thing works for the most part and for the 10 page limit this was good, I felt the second scene dragged a little, might have just been the dialogue from the MAN.

    Some good action and
    MAXWELL (CONT’D)
    Well, well, what have we here?
    (Crouches)
    should be written as action not parenthetical? - Maxwell crouches down - it's not necessary but that's just my technical preference. Great closing scene also, liked him on the outskirts going off to die. Tighten it up here or there and then maybe you could get into some more details about Monroe and Drake's past cause damn it I want to know haha.
    Last edited by MrKilloran; 03-29-2009 at 03:41 PM.


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    #15
    Mr. Hollywood Blaine's Avatar
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    Just finished reading your script. I like the visuals of the opening to a point. I had a problem, though. You describe the town in the flash of lightning thusly:
    A brief flash of lightning illuminates the almost empty streets. Leaning against the rim of a large fountain is a badly wounded man, he is travel-worn and rugged with age, JAMES MONROE.
    Okay so far. But then you turn right around and say:
    Standing a few yards away, with a score of men at his back, is a clean-cut, well dressed man in his late 30ís, MAXWELL BRODY.
    I'd hardly call Maxwell and his twenty men as leaving the streets almost empty.

    I'm also surprised that when Monroe made his move on Maxwell that Maxwell's men didn't react and kill Monroe right there. Why bother having bodyguard if they're not going to guard you? But okay, I'll go with it.

    Next, you take us back a week. (I'll be referencing this again, later.) The MAN meets Monroe and offers him the job. I'm not sure how the MAN got back to Drake's ranch so much faster than Monroe. Perhaps, a throw away line of dialogue between the MAN and Monroe could have accounted for the time delay. "I've got something to settle first, I'll be there in a couple of days."

    I see you're located in R.I. You don't find brooks in the desert. An occasional river perhaps, but anything as small as a brook will end up a dry wash.

    I like that Maxwell threw the ring at Drake and that Drake gives the ring to Monroe to show Maxwell who is responsible for his imminent death.

    With the exceptions of these small nagging things I thought you put together an interesting story.

    Now, back to the earlier reference I promised to get back to. You took us back a week earlier to let us know how Monroe got to the job of killing Maxwell. Then you bring us back to:
    INT. DRAKE HOMESTEAD - DAY (PRESENT TIME)
    Drake is now standing at the window. Monroe is still sitting on the couch, but he is leaned forward, deep in thought.
    but that's not really present time. It's still in the past, before Monroe faces off with Maxwell. In fact, you never quite bring us back to present time. It looks like you bring us back to the day of the face off, though, as Monroe rides into town with the storm clouds brewing on the horizon.

    All the things I brought up, pulled me from the story, questioning them. Otherwise, they'd have been no big deal.

    Still, all-in-all, it was a fun read.


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    #16
    Senior Member Ezekiel667's Avatar
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    Blaine, thanks so much for the in depth review. I understand the points you made, and agree with them. I am indeed in R.I. haha, so sorry for that brook in the desert mix up. If I had polished it a bit more maybe some of the other problems would have been smoothed out, but I'm working on a few things and this script fell into the backburner unfortunately. But thanks again for the time you put into reviewing my script.

    And as for the Maxwell-Monroe name similarity problem, I don't normally use names that sound alike, but the fact that I used Monroe's last name and Maxwell's first name did make them sound alike. I'll keep that in mind for future scripts.
    Last edited by Ezekiel667; 03-29-2009 at 09:41 PM.


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    #17
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    Great story!
    I loved how you introduced that ring and then brought it back to that in the end. This was easy to follow, well constructed and very enjoyable to read. It really feels like it pays off in the end so the structure of the whole thing worked well for me. I'd agree with maybe trying to put a bit of distance between the name similarities of Monroe and Maxwell but I really enjoyed this story either way. Nice job!


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    #18
    Senior Member arroway's Avatar
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    i loved it. great structure. nice change of pace from the rest of the entries.

    i didn't understand why the guards didn't shoot monroe the moment he made his move. that didn't feel right in me ole' mind's eye...

    left me wondering what the hell kind of debt you'd have to incur to willingly partake in a suicide mission you had no stake in...and i gotta admit this omission left me more annoyed than intrigued although i suspect i'll probably be in the minority there.

    still, a fine read.


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    #19
    Senior Member lawriejaffa's Avatar
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    Yep I think this is one of the 'overlooked' gems of the contest - room for improvement (like everybody right) but it establishes a great gothic like mood with its great confrontation.
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    #20
    Senior Member Ezekiel667's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by arroway View Post
    i didn't understand why the guards didn't shoot monroe the moment he made his move. that didn't feel right in me ole' mind's eye...
    A few people I had read it said the same thing, while writing it I had the reason in my mind, but never made it clear in the script itself.

    The flashback sequence with Maxwell and Drake was where I wanted to put it, and I kind of did, but not well enough so people could get it. When Maxwell's guards get edgy when he begins laughing I wanted that to show that his guards are almost deathly afraid of him and his violent tendencies, so when he was going one on one with a sworn opponent, like Monroe, his men knew not to interfere unless instructed in fear of getting shot by Maxwell in the aftermath.

    To get all that from just a sentence I wrote is pretty much impossible, but that's what I wanted the readers to get out of it. I'll try and make my points clearer in the next Fest.


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